PKAmmoTroop PRESENTS: MORE SILLY FICLETS! (YEAH!) INDEX: *SITE ONLY* EXCLUSIVE! "Career Day" *WAY TOO SILLY* FICLET!  "The FarScape Show"  *NOT SO SILLY* FICLET!  "Legal Notice"   *CAREER DAY REVISITED! "Teachers Aide"

"CAREER DAY" The early morning autumn sunlight shone on the frost-coated leaves, the amber hues of the sunlight caused rainbow tinted sparkles to decorate the pile of dead leaves behind the garage. Slowly one of the sparkles of light rose into the air, followed by another then another. The multicolored sparkles of light began to slowly circle but as more sparkles joined them they began to swirl faster and faster. Soon the vortex of swirling sparkles of light were spinning at a blinding rate drawing up the dry leaves into its midst.            Six-year-old Joseph watched the fascinating spectacle impassively, making sure to stand far enough away that the debris now swirling with the blinding points of light didn't mess up his school clothes. Finally the swirling mass began to coalesce when suddenly there was a soundless flash and in the midst of the falling leaves stood a human figure. Joseph walked up the to figure who was coughing and pulling dead leaves out of his shirt, "Uncle Stark, mom says coffee's ready." "Oh thank you so much Joey." "Joe-SUF!" corrected the youngster as he led Stark by the hand across the leaf-strewn lawn into the house. The warmth of the kitchen was welcoming after the brisk cool of the morning air outside. Joseph's mom stood looking out the window tisking her tongue over the mess that Stark left. "Darryl just finished raking those leaves last night." She said with a smile as she turned to greet Stark. "Zhaan you look so radiant, so happy!" sighed Stark as they embraced. The young woman stared threateningly at Stark until he corrected himself "I mean Debby." "Why does he always call you that mom?" asked Joseph as he finished his bowl of cereal by drinking the milk from the bowl. "Because it's a name your Uncle Stark called me when we were younger, and if you spill that milk on your nice clean clothes I'm going to bop you." "I won't." Debby turned to Stark. "Thank you so much for agreeing to go to career day with him, his dad was called out of town at the last minute." "It is no problem. Are you REALLY happy here?" said Stark with a hurt smile. "More than I ever realized, dear Stark. This is something that I need to experience before I can advance to the next level. Raising children is at once an exercise in patience and quick reflexes." She said as she reached out with a dishcloth to wipe up a drop of milk before it dripped off Joseph's chin onto his clean shirt. "Now off to school, both of you! Git!" She watched Stark and Joseph walk across the lawn then up the street the three blocks to the elementary school, kicking leaves and playing soccer with a stray rock as they went. Zhaan/Debby smiled then returned to the house to start her daily meditations. Crichton was right, this IS a nice planet, she thought. Hope he makes it back here. Mrs. Wilson, tenured kindergarten teacher, smiled at the polite applause her class gave Danny Smith's dad, an investment banker. She bit her lip in frustration. Pie charts! The idiot brought pie charts! He nearly killed these kids with boredom. Isn't there anyone that is a cop or a fireman any more? An ER nurse, a pilot, an astronaut. She smiled; she'd give her left arm for an astronaut right now. These kids were ready to explode after two lawyers, a social worker, and an investment banker. "Ok class, Joseph brought his dad with him today, his dad is," her heart sank as she saw what was written on the slip of paper she held, "a regional manager for a chain of retail stores." Joseph walked to the head of the classroom with all the poise and dignity a 6 year old can muster. "My dad couldn't make it today" 'Thank God!' sighed Mrs. Wilson "so I brought my Uncle Stark. He's a slave." Mrs. Wilson's eyes bulged wide open. 'What the f ?!?' she thought Joseph walked to the classroom door and after a lot of gesturing and whispered encouragement Stark soon entered the room wearing his mask and his slave robes. He smiled nervously at the sea of young faces that were turned to him and waved a little greeting then suddenly noticed the décor of the room. The class was learning the seasons of the year, one side of the classroom was decorated with sunshine and flowers, the other side with falling leaves and snowflakes. Stark suddenly realized the meaning of the construction paper decorations and smiled wildly. "So pretty! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side!" "Uncle Stark!" whispered Joseph harshly "Talk now, freak later." "How much later?" "UNCLE STARK!" "Ok, what do I do?" asked Stark. "Just what I TOLD you!" answered Joseph through gritted teeth "Ok. Hello students. My name is Stark. I am Joey's I mean Joe-SUF's Uncle and a Banik slave. I help people pass over to the other side." He smiled and shrugged. "That's all, any questions?" The class looked at each other in confusion then Danny Wilson raised his hand. Stark stood smiling until Joseph nudged him, then Stark suddenly remembered what Joseph had told him earlier. He pointed at Danny and said "Your question?" "Yeah." Danny rose to his feet, puffed up with self-importance. "How much money do you make a year as a slave?" Stark looked a bit confused then answered. "I make no money, I'm a slave." "Mr. Stark" Mrs. Wilson started, but Stark called on Justin. "What do you DO as a slave?" "Anything my current owner wants, anything from cooking to mining crystals from a dead budong. And help dying people pass over to the other side." Justin sat down as Patty Johnson raised her hand. Mrs. Wilson rose too, trying to stop Stark from filling her classroom with nonsense, but he was on a roll now. Stark called on Patty who stood and rocking on her heels asked, "Didn't Abraham Linkin free the slaves?" "Ummm not the slaves on my planet." The entire class paused a beat while what Stark had just said sank in. "MISTER Stark!" Cried Mrs. Wilson, "That is just about" She never finished what she was saying because the entire class shot up their hands, which overloaded Starks fragile grasp on reality. He started pointing at hands as quickly as possible "Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question" all the while his one eye rolled in panic as the children yelled out their question before Mrs. Wilson stopped the fun. "What planet are you from?" "Are you REALLY an alien?" "Where's your flying saucer?" "What's a passing over?" "Why aren't you green?" "Were you on the X-Files?" Suddenly Stark grew calm, very calm. He held one arm straight out while he raised his other hand to his mask. Chanting something in some unfathomable language he pulled his mask back a bit and rays of pure light shot out from under the mask. The children suddenly stopped their chattering and stared in amazement. Then suddenly the classroom exploded in the screams of children: "COOL!" "Do it again!" "Joseph, your uncle ROCKS!" Having given up on trying to restore order in the classroom Mrs. Wilson lowered her head to her desk and once more began counting the days until retirement. Not long later little Patty Johnson stepped out into the hall where her uncle waited along with the other career day guests. He sat ramrod straight with his regal court dress impeccably tailored. His distinctive hairstyle made him stand out among the other guests and gave away his position as a highly ranked member of a noble house. "I'm sorry Uncle Londo, but Mrs. Wilson said no more aliens." "What? She would allow a lowly Banick slave address your class but not a member of the House Molari? What kind of education are you getting on this planet?" Patty just shrugged in reply. "Well come with me little one, Uncle Londo will purchase us a dish of mice cream." "Ice cream, Uncle Londo." Corrected Patty as her uncle escorted her from the building. "What ever. Have I ever told you of the time I first visited this backwards planet? It was several years ago" Back to Top

The FarScape Show Spoilers: Get real Disclaimer - I was held at gunpoint, it's not my fault, I was under duress, I deny all involvement, NONE of these people are mine!!! Don't send the money! The FarScape Show "Mr. Scoprius! Five minutes!" Called out the stage manager Scooter. Scorpius suddenly appeared behind the terrified muppet. "My dear Scooter, my contract clearly states that all curtain calls be no later than 6½ minutes. You are clearly in violation of our agreement." I... I... I... don't think so Mr. Scorpius. Scooter's hands shook as he reviewed the contract. "I don't see anything here about curtain calls." "Maybe you'd like to discuss this with my agent." Hissed Scorpius and Natira appeared at his side. "Such pretty eyesssss." Smiled Natira as her head tentacles began waiving at Scooter. "So big and juicy!" "Ummm Rygel! Curtain!" Yelled Scooter as he dashed out of view. "Come my dear," said Scorpius as he lead Natira to his dressing room "These humans have a beverage called a Bloody Mary and I think you will find it interesting..." Meanwhile on stage... "Hi-Yo! Rygel the Frog here! And this is the FarScape show with our special guest star Scorpius! Yeaaaaaaayyyyyy!" {Opening number} It's time to climb in Moya It's time to sail the night It's time to meet the scapers On the FarScape show tonight It's time to eat a food cube It's time to make wormholes right It's time to raise the curtain On the FarScape show tonight! [Waldorf] Why do we always come here [Statler] I guess we'll never know [Waldorf] It's kind of like a torture [Both] To have to watch the show [Cast] And now let's get things started [Audience] Why don't you get things started [All] On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, outerspacetional, this is what we call the FarScape show! {D'Argo the Magnificent tries to blow a note on his Qualta Trumpet but it explodes} Rygel the Frog is hovering back and forth behind stage trying to get everyone ready for the first bit. "Everybody on stage! Places! Places everyone!" he yells in panic. "Hey Rygel! What do you think of my new helmet!" asked Fozzy Crichton as the propeller atop his pilots helmet began spinning. "FOZZY!!! Get on stage  you got to get into the FarScape module!" Shrieked a frustrated Rygel the frog waiving his skinny arms around. The scene shifts to outer space where Fozzy Crichton's FarScape module pops out of a wormhole into normal space and into a running battle between the dreaded PorkKeepers and some escaped prisoners who just took command of a Leviathan and broke it free of its control collar. Suddenly a PorkKeepers Howler slammed into Fozzy's module then careened off and smashed into an asteroid exploding into a million pieces. Fozzy fought for control of his module but it was drawn into the Leviathan through a very embarrassing orifice causing Fozzy to cover his eyes. Finally the module came to a stop and a small yellow penguin climbed up on the module and pointed a gun at him. "Aww! Aint't that cute?" Said Fozzy pointing at the little flightless bird. There was a flash, a loud bang and a very surprised Fozzy's face was covered with soot from being shot. The penguin gestured with the gun and Fozzy was lead into the control area. There he saw a strange hook nosed bird with tentacles growing down the back of his head, and a large yellow creature with a long beak, but it looked like it's feathers were leaves. The large bird like creature leaned down to Fozzy and said "I'm Big Zhaan, would you like to play with us?" The hook beaked creature said "I'm D'Argo the Magnificent. Watch as Zhaan shoots me out of a canon!" "I am not going to shoot you out of a canon." "Am too." "Am not." "So." "Not." "Ignore them." Said Rygel the Frog as he hovered into the control room clearly out of control. "You watch out for me and I'll watch out for you." He called out as his throne sled slammed into the wall. "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." Suddenly the pilot of the leviathan appeared on the view screen. "Moya scared! Elmo too!" "Then starburst out of here you silly drannit!" called out Rygel the Frog as he zipped across the control room and slammed into another wall. "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." Suddenly a long tongue shot out of D'Argo the Magnificent's mouth and missed Big Zhaan by a good metra and knocked out Fozzy. When Fozzy came to he was locked up in a cell with a creature wearing a space suit and helmet. The creature just stared at him until Fozzy decided that the creature needed cheering up. He doffed his hat, waggled his ears at the creature and went into his A material. "Wakka, wakka, wakka! What time is it when a leviathan sits on your couch? Time to buy a new couch!" He waited for the laughter that never came. Instead the creature sprang at him. "Haiiiiii YA!" and proceeded to pummel Fozzy with one karate chop after another. The creature ended up kneeling on Fozzy's shoulders. It took it's helmet off and underneith was the most magnificent sight Fozzy had ever seen  a gorgeous raven haired PorkKeeper stared down at him. "One more joke out of you buster and you're getting a fat lip!" she snarled. The curtain lowered on Act 1 to thunderous applause. Well, someone was clapping. When the curtain rose again the stage was set for - - - PIGS IN SPACE! [Offstage announcer] In our last episode the brave captain of the Command Carrier Swine Trek, Crais Hogthrob, was trying to prevent some prisoners from stealing Moya, his brother was killed in the battle, and the prisoners captured his lead pilot, Miss Aeryn. She escaped and brought one of the prisoners with her to stand before Crais Hogthrob.] The pigs on the set stopped looking around for the location of the announcer and went into their lines. "Oh Miss Aeryn, have you caught the man who killed my brother?" asked Crais. "You can bet your buttons, buster." Answered the raven-haired piggy. "And before I kill you slowly what do you have to say for yourself?" Crais asked Fozzy. "Wakka, wakka, wakka!" "Kill him!" snarled Miss Aeryn. "And kill Miss Aeryn too." Said Crais, "She's spent too much time with the convicts, she's no longer kosher!" "Hey!" cried Miss Aeryn. Suddenly Fozzy Crichton leapt between Miss Piggy and the guards saying "Stand back! I've got lettuce, tomato and toast and I know how to use them!" [Off Stage announcer: "Besure to tune in next time when we hear Captain Crais say..."] Crais stops looking around for the voice and remembers his line "Can I get my BLT with a side of chips and a pickel?" [Off Stage announcer: on PIGS IN SPACE!!!!" {curtain lowers}] Rygel the frog is hovering around getting all the PorkKeeper guards off the stage for the Big Musical Number. Finally the curtain rises on the darkened set, there in the middle of the stage is the Aurora Chair with Miss Aeryn strapped into it. Next to her stands Scorpius. As the lights come up the violin sections starts in and Scorpius starts singing that old Irving Berlin classic. Unforgettable That's what you are, Unforgettable Tho' near or far. Like a song of love that clings to me, How the thought of you does things to me. Never before has someone been more... As the chair begins rotating Miss Aeryn begins singing her part Unforgettable In every way, And forever more That's how you'll stay. That's why, darling, it's incredible That someone so unforgettable Thinks that I am Unforgettable, too. Now a chorus of chickens and pigs wearing shiny leather Scorpius suits joins in the duet Unforgettable In every way, And forever more That's how you'll stay. That's why, darling, it's incredible That someone so unforgettable Thinks that I am Unforgettable, too. The entire cast joins Scorpius and Miss Aeryn on the stage to join in the wild applause. There's some witty repartee and the curtain falls and the show is over. *********** "Wait a minute! You call yourself a writer?" The little green masked terrorist waived his little pistol menacingly at PKAmmoTroop who was exhausted after writing all night at gunpoint. "Look Kermit, I mean Mr. Terrorist, it just won't work. Brian Henson is producer, not Jim Henson. Frank Oz isn't even involved. No one is going to buy this script. It's not FarScape and it's too silly." "Don't tell me about silly, silly sells! I was once the top frog, the world was my oyster! They want muppets! I know muppets! Now write some closing lines!!!" PKAmmoTroop sighed and looked at the gun then went back to writing. "Pitdog is never going to believe this." Back to Top

"LEGAL NOTICE" From the Offices of Dewy, Chetum, and Howe Attorneys, Legal Consultants, Livestock Rentals To Whom It May Concern: It has come to our attention that there are malcontents that inhabit this bboard that have expressed concern and dismay over recent legal and public actions by the Jim Henson Company and its associates and Creation Enterprises. I am here to assuage your concerns: True, the paralegal division of the Jim Henson company has sought to trademark the word Scaper, but this is merely to keep it from being misused and abused and prevent possible embarrassment of our fans. The actions taken by the paralegal divison of the Jim Henson company will prevent the word Scaper from becoming associated with the term Geek, Nerd, Dork, and many other insults. This will also prevent outside concerns from illegally using the word Scaper while providing our fans with substandard entertainment, because providing substandard entertainment is the sole responsibility of Creation Enterprises. So as you can see, we are just protecting our fans and their interest. The paralegal department of the Jim Henson Company has come up with some very attractive pricing guidelines that will allow each and every fan to use the term Scaper like they did before. Let me take this opportunity to publicly announce the Scaper 12 Pack! The Scaper 12 Pack allows you to legally use the word Scaper in public 12 FULL times for the low, low introductory price of $16.95 (plus $2.48 filing fee). And with each Scaper 12 Pack you also get, for a limited time only, the legal right to use the word Scaper in a public document! (One use per customer, availability may vary, subject to tax title and registration fees, see your lawyer for details) And to protect your rights even further we are also seeking to trade mark the terms FarScape, Far Scape, Scape, Far, Distant, Remote, Outlying, A long way away, Science, Fiction, Science Fiction, Literature, Narrative, Space, Deep space, Outer space, Universe, Cosmos, Astronaut, Astronut, Bier, Beer, Pizza and Margarita Shooters, Leviathan, and Lexx Sucks. All will be available for use to the general public at bargain prices. And as for you people who are thoughtlessly attacking Creation Enterprises, stop it right now! Did it say ANYWHERE on your ticket that Bathrooms would be provided? Huh? Did it? Why didn't you go before you left the house? Did it say anywhere that you'd be able to see what was going on? Who's fault is that? If this was a football game you'd have the best seats in the house! Just because you didn't bring binoculars isn't the fault of the Jim Henson company or Creation Entertainment. So just cool off and think how much those tickets would have cost you if the con had been held in a REAL hotel and run by a REAL company. In closing let me say  suck it up, it's not going to get better, not when there's us LAWYERS involved!!! Back to Top

"TEACHERS AIDE" A crash and a clatter of falling tools from the garage followed by a plume of dust spilling from the garage door announced to the world that Stark had once again arrived. The garage was filled with the sounds of falling tools, clattering metal and the sound of a female voice swearing vehemently and drowning out Starks profuse apologies. Inside the house 'Debbie' noticed the clatter coming from the garage and knew exactly what was happening. "Joseph!" called 'Debby' to her six-year-old son; "Your Uncle Stark is here! And he brought a friend! "OK mom!" called back Joseph from his room. He continued coloring his picture as if he hadn't heard her. Joseph's friend Nicholas looked up from the picture that he was coloring. "I didn't know Stark was your uncle. "He's not really an Uncle, he's my moms friend from her previous life." "Oh yeah," said Nicholas with an air of authority "That's when she was a delinquent palu." "DELVIAN PAA-OOO." Corrected Joseph. "It's kind of like being a Lutheran Minister but you got to be blue and cut your hair off." "Joseph!" Called Debbie "Coming Mom!" called Joseph back. He made no attempt to stop coloring and neither did Nicholas. Both six year olds knew the rules of the game. That little edge of hysteria hadn't crept into Debbie's voice yet so they were safe to continue what they were doing. Out in the garage Aeryn continued to curse at Stark for having dropped her in a pile of garden tools. She stepped out of the garage into the frosty morning sunlight and squinted at how the light reflected off the snow. Snow! Not too cold, in fact it was fairly comfortable. This was a planet made for Sebaceans. "This is kind of nice, what do you call this planet Stark?" "It's called Errff." Said Stark still untangling himself from a frozen garden hose and a set of jumper cables. "Is it anything like Erp?" Asked Aeryn "I don't think so." Said Stark as he finally freed himself but fell down in his efforts to throw the hose aside. "Then lets not tell John and get his hopes up." Said Aeryn and she helped Stark up. "Agreed, follow me." Said Stark and started to lead Aeryn to the house. "One thing Stark." Said Aeryn and she grabbed him by the collar and shoved barrel of her pulse pistol in his face. Her voice grew ice cold and the pistol ground into Stark's cheek. "If you ever again materialize behind me, grab me, dematerialize me, and rematerialize me on a different planet again I will blow your head off." "Then how will you get back?" Said Stark. From the wild look in his one eye Aeryn could tell that his nodding acquaintance with reality was in a slump. Just then a tall blond woman with dancing blue eyes stepped out of the house. She had a sweater wrapped around her and on her feet were fuzzy orange and black footwear that prominently displayed the face of some feline creature. "Don't stand out here freezing, come on inside you two! And Aeryn dear, there's no need for that weapon." "You know me?" "Well of course dear Aeryn, how are John, Rygel, Chiana and sweet D'Argo getting along?" Aeryn gripped her pulse pistol tightly. "They're fine, do I know you?" "Dear Aeryn, didn't Stark tell you? Of course he didn't. Come inside before you catch your death and we can catch up over a cup of coffee." With that Debby turned and entered the house and wiped the snow off of her Garfield slippers. Stark smiled and gently held Aeryns elbow. He gestured indicating that she should follow Debbie into the house, and Aeryn gestured with her pulse pistol indicating that she would like to kill him. In the end she entered the dwelling with Stark on her heels sputtering odd, disjointed, and confusing explanations of what is happening. Finally after some confusion and a couple of steaming hot cups of a beverage that Debby called Cough-ee Aeryn was informed that when Zhaan dispersed she was placed in the body of Debby Lawrence who was in a coma from a vehicle accident and was going to die. The goddess allowed this because knowledge of motherhood was instrumental for Zhaan to advance to the next level of her Delvian seek, once Zhaan fulfilled her requirement then Debbie would be allowed to continue to the other side and Zhaan would return to her more normal state. Aeryn was shocked to see that her friend, the warrior priestess as Aeryn always considered her, so at ease with this domestic bliss. "Aeryn dear, not all battles are won with steel and blood." Said Debbie/Zhaan. Still smiling she cried out at the top of her lungs "Joseph!" with just the right hint of anger. She knew how the game was played as well as her child and his friend. In response to her call the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs caused her gentle smile to become victorious. "Sometimes we must learn to battle tremendous forces armed with just our own will power and the tone of our voice." "Hi Uncle Stark." Said Joseph in a small voice as he and Nicholas entered the kitchen. He loved his 'Uncle' Stark dearly, but after the career day incident he was still a little embarrassed about him. Joseph also felt the hugging and kissing and hair ruffling in front of his friend Nicholas was a bit embarrassing too, especially when it went on for almost 10 minutes. Finally Joseph was able to push Uncle Stark away and wipe the slobber off of his face with his sleeve. "You've grown so much Joseph!" gushed Stark "You've only been gone a week!" insisted Joseph "Maybe I've grown shorter..." mumbled Stark as he pondered the situation. "Joseph, this is Aeryn Sun, she's a friend of ours." "Hello Miss Sun," said Joseph, suddenly very shy. "Hello Joseph, your mother tells me wonderful things about you." smiled Aeryn. Joseph nodded but refused to speak any more. Finally Debbie/Zhaan shooed Joseph and Nicholas away. "Normally he'd be chattering your ear off. It must be because he's got his friend with." Debbie/Zhaan apologized. "Do I look shorter to you?" muttered Stark as he looked down at his feet. "I would still like to know why I'm here." Said Aeryn now wordlessly hoping that the reincarnated Zhaan would have some word from 'her' John from the afterlife. "Oh dear, it is all such a misunderstanding." Sighed Debbie/Zhaan. "Stark has grown to take such an interest in schooling children of Joseph's age that he applied to become a teachers aid." Stark held his arms straight out and looked at where the cuffs of his sleeves rested on his wrists. "My arms don't seem to be shorter. Do you think if I shrank my clothing would shrink too?" "So why does he need me?" asked Aeryn. "He needs a reference to get the position." Aeryn shook her head a little and shrugged. "So write him a reference." "He took off looking for you before I could tell him that traditionally a reference is written. He's so excited about this opportunity. You will help him get the job won't you?" "Good news!" called out Stark. "I'm exactly the right height!" Aeryn looked at Zhaan with a long-suffering look. "Teachers aid?" Debbie/Zhaan sipped her coffee. "It'll keep him out of trouble..." * * * * * The office of the principal of the Sunshine Elementary School was neat as a pin and devoid of any decorations except for a colorless glass rose in a colorless bud vase on the gray steel military issue desk. Principal Leona Crowe ran a tight ship and was proud of her staff, and she was sure that this Stark fellow would not fit in. She did grant him a job interview though; she was worried that he could call some bleeding heart organization like "Save The Spaz" that would give her no end of grief unless she made it appear that she may possibly hire him. Stark sat on the steel chair in front of the steel desk and waited for Principal Crowe to speak. Leona waited a long time, as was her habit. Her stern silence usually made nutcases nervous and this Stark creature was obviously a nutcase. She figured she'd stare at his application and glare at him until he started biting his fingernails off at the knuckle. After what he did to her friend Eunice Wilson a few weeks ago on Career Day, he deserves to be nervous. And this leather freak floozy he brought with him! How dare she sit in this hall of education wearing skintight leather pants and a leather vest with no blouse underneath! And her Peg Bundy hair says it all! Leona Crowe then and there decided that Aeryn was a trailer trash biker bitch. She'd give Stark a 5-minute interview, and if the both of them weren't off school grounds one minute after that she was calling the police. However instead of growing nervous Stark stayed calm, relaxed, completely at peace in his austere surroundings. Principal Crowe had designed the office to strike fear into the hearts of anyone who entered, and Starks lack of fear was starting to bother her. In fact he seemed to be getting all misty. The walls were painted flat white. Nothing hung on the walls. There was one steel gray desk, two steel chairs with no cushion, and one gray trashcan. The floor was solid brown linoleum and visitors sat with their backs to the one window so there was nothing to look at except Leona, the lord and mistress of her domain. "Do you like this office Mr. Stark?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Very much!" smiled Stark. "I was just thinking how much it reminds me of my boyhood home." He smiled nostalgically "Them were the days." "This office reminds you of home?" Surely he must be sucking up, in an odd sort of way. "Oh yes." Said Stark looking around wide-eyed. "Home wasn't nearly so big or as splendid, and there were eleven of us in there, but this brings it all back. If you only had mold growing on the walls..." Stark sighed nostalgically "...maybe a rat or two..." "Mister Stark..." "...things hanging from the ceiling..." "Mister Stark..." "...bugs..." "MISter Stark! Let's get on with this interview, shall we? What do you bring with you to help us educate our little ones?" Stark searched through his pockets and produced one green crayon and what looked like a small circuit board. "I can get more crayons." He said hopefully. "What I mean, Mister Stark, is what skills do you have in teaching children?" "Absolutely none!" said Stark proudly. "That's why I applied to be an aide rather than a teacher! "But why are you here Mister Stark?" "To help!" Cried Stark, his eye rolling wildly, panic was starting to settle in. "I saw the advertisement! Some poor teacher needs aide! I'M HERE TO HELP!" "Calm yourself Mister Stark!" Leona Crowe's booming voice was like the echo of doom. "Ok." Said Stark simply and he immediately calmed down and started smiling. Principal Crowe regarded Stark for a long time but he just sat there smiling at her. "It says here on your application your previous employment was as a slave. Do you expect me to believe that?" "You don't?" Stark looked like he was ready to cry. Principal Crowe decided that five minutes would be way to generous, it was time to end this now. Leona Crow stood and rested her massive knuckles on her desk and leaned over and stared Stark in the eye. "No I don't believe you! As a matter of fact I think you're wasting my time. I want you out of my office and off these grounds immediately. You and this... this SLUT you brought with you!" Suddenly there was the sound of an electronic discharge and Leona's single decoration, the glass rose in a glass bud vase had suddenly become a slag of melted glass. Aeryn holstered her pulse pistol and said, "I prefer to be called a 'personal reference'." * * * * * Back at Debbie/Zhaan's house Aeryn and Stark were excitedly recapping the events of the interview for Debbie/Zhaan. Debbie had Stark do his imitation of Leona's shocked expression after Aeryn shot her rose over and over. "You didn't tell me, did you get the job?" "Not exactly..." Aeryn started "Principal Crowe told me of marvelous opportunities to assist hungry children. These opportunities abound right here in the local community." Said Stark, literally glowing with excitement. "And what are these opportunities called?" asked Debbie/Zhaan "Pre-Adolescent Nutritional Supplementation Specialists." Said Stark with an air of dignity "Principal Crowe taught me everything I will need to know to become an outstanding Pre-Adolescent Nutritional Supplementation Specialist. She told me so." Aeryn smiled and nodded in agreement. "And just what, pray tell, did she teach you?" asked Debbie/Zhaan, fearing the worst. Stark stood at attention, straightened his clothing, cleared his throat, and with a look of divine humility on his face said "Would you like fries with that?" Debbie/Zhaan bit her lip hard enough to draw blood in an effort to stifle the laughter but a snerk escaped her nose and a single tear fell... Back to Top

"LEGAL NOTICE" From the Offices of Dewy, Chetum, and Howe Attorneys, Legal Consultants, Livestock Rentals To Whom It May Concern: It has come to our attention that there are malcontents that inhabit this bboard that have expressed concern and dismay over recent legal and public actions by the Jim Henson Company and its associates and Creation Enterprises. I am here to assuage your concerns: True, the paralegal division of the Jim Henson company has sought to trademark the word Scaper, but this is merely to keep it from being misused and abused and prevent possible embarrassment of our fans. The actions taken by the paralegal divison of the Jim Henson company will prevent the word Scaper from becoming associated with the term Geek, Nerd, Dork, and many other insults. This will also prevent outside concerns from illegally using the word Scaper while providing our fans with substandard entertainment, because providing substandard entertainment is the sole responsibility of Creation Enterprises. So as you can see, we are just protecting our fans and their interest. The paralegal department of the Jim Henson Company has come up with some very attractive pricing guidelines that will allow each and every fan to use the term Scaper like they did before. Let me take this opportunity to publicly announce the Scaper 12 Pack! The Scaper 12 Pack allows you to legally use the word Scaper in public 12 FULL times for the low, low introductory price of $16.95 (plus $2.48 filing fee). And with each Scaper 12 Pack you also get, for a limited time only, the legal right to use the word Scaper in a public document! (One use per customer, availability may vary, subject to tax title and registration fees, see your lawyer for details) And to protect your rights even further we are also seeking to trade mark the terms FarScape, Far Scape, Scape, Far, Distant, Remote, Outlying, A long way away, Science, Fiction, Science Fiction, Literature, Narrative, Space, Deep space, Outer space, Universe, Cosmos, Astronaut, Astronut, Bier, Beer, Pizza and Margarita Shooters, Leviathan, and Lexx Sucks. All will be available for use to the general public at bargain prices. And as for you people who are thoughtlessly attacking Creation Enterprises, stop it right now! Did it say ANYWHERE on your ticket that Bathrooms would be provided? Huh? Did it? Why didn't you go before you left the house? Did it say anywhere that you'd be able to see what was going on? Who's fault is that? If this was a football game you'd have the best seats in the house! Just because you didn't bring binoculars isn't the fault of the Jim Henson company or Creation Entertainment. So just cool off and think how much those tickets would have cost you if the con had been held in a REAL hotel and run by a REAL company. In closing let me say  suck it up, it's not going to get better, not when there's us LAWYERS involved!!! Back to Top

The FarScape Show Spoilers: Get real Disclaimer - I was held at gunpoint, it's not my fault, I was under duress, I deny all involvement, NONE of these people are mine!!! Don't send the money! The FarScape Show "Mr. Scoprius! Five minutes!" Called out the stage manager Scooter. Scorpius suddenly appeared behind the terrified muppet. "My dear Scooter, my contract clearly states that all curtain calls be no later than 6½ minutes. You are clearly in violation of our agreement." I... I... I... don't think so Mr. Scorpius. Scooter's hands shook as he reviewed the contract. "I don't see anything here about curtain calls." "Maybe you'd like to discuss this with my agent." Hissed Scorpius and Natira appeared at his side. "Such pretty eyesssss." Smiled Natira as her head tentacles began waiving at Scooter. "So big and juicy!" "Ummm Rygel! Curtain!" Yelled Scooter as he dashed out of view. "Come my dear," said Scorpius as he lead Natira to his dressing room "These humans have a beverage called a Bloody Mary and I think you will find it interesting..." Meanwhile on stage... "Hi-Yo! Rygel the Frog here! And this is the FarScape show with our special guest star Scorpius! Yeaaaaaaayyyyyy!" {Opening number} It's time to climb in Moya It's time to sail the night It's time to meet the scapers On the FarScape show tonight It's time to eat a food cube It's time to make wormholes right It's time to raise the curtain On the FarScape show tonight! [Waldorf] Why do we always come here [Statler] I guess we'll never know [Waldorf] It's kind of like a torture [Both] To have to watch the show [Cast] And now let's get things started [Audience] Why don't you get things started [All] On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, outerspacetional, this is what we call the FarScape show! {D'Argo the Magnificent tries to blow a note on his Qualta Trumpet but it explodes} Rygel the Frog is hovering back and forth behind stage trying to get everyone ready for the first bit. "Everybody on stage! Places! Places everyone!" he yells in panic. "Hey Rygel! What do you think of my new helmet!" asked Fozzy Crichton as the propeller atop his pilots helmet began spinning. "FOZZY!!! Get on stage  you got to get into the FarScape module!" Shrieked a frustrated Rygel the frog waiving his skinny arms around. The scene shifts to outer space where Fozzy Crichton's FarScape module pops out of a wormhole into normal space and into a running battle between the dreaded PorkKeepers and some escaped prisoners who just took command of a Leviathan and broke it free of its control collar. Suddenly a PorkKeepers Howler slammed into Fozzy's module then careened off and smashed into an asteroid exploding into a million pieces. Fozzy fought for control of his module but it was drawn into the Leviathan through a very embarrassing orifice causing Fozzy to cover his eyes. Finally the module came to a stop and a small yellow penguin climbed up on the module and pointed a gun at him. "Aww! Aint't that cute?" Said Fozzy pointing at the little flightless bird. There was a flash, a loud bang and a very surprised Fozzy's face was covered with soot from being shot. The penguin gestured with the gun and Fozzy was lead into the control area. There he saw a strange hook nosed bird with tentacles growing down the back of his head, and a large yellow creature with a long beak, but it looked like it's feathers were leaves. The large bird like creature leaned down to Fozzy and said "I'm Big Zhaan, would you like to play with us?" The hook beaked creature said "I'm D'Argo the Magnificent. Watch as Zhaan shoots me out of a canon!" "I am not going to shoot you out of a canon." "Am too." "Am not." "So." "Not." "Ignore them." Said Rygel the Frog as he hovered into the control room clearly out of control. "You watch out for me and I'll watch out for you." He called out as his throne sled slammed into the wall. "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." Suddenly the pilot of the leviathan appeared on the view screen. "Moya scared! Elmo too!" "Then starburst out of here you silly drannit!" called out Rygel the Frog as he zipped across the control room and slammed into another wall. "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." Suddenly a long tongue shot out of D'Argo the Magnificent's mouth and missed Big Zhaan by a good metra and knocked out Fozzy. When Fozzy came to he was locked up in a cell with a creature wearing a space suit and helmet. The creature just stared at him until Fozzy decided that the creature needed cheering up. He doffed his hat, waggled his ears at the creature and went into his A material. "Wakka, wakka, wakka! What time is it when a leviathan sits on your couch? Time to buy a new couch!" He waited for the laughter that never came. Instead the creature sprang at him. "Haiiiiii YA!" and proceeded to pummel Fozzy with one karate chop after another. The creature ended up kneeling on Fozzy's shoulders. It took it's helmet off and underneith was the most magnificent sight Fozzy had ever seen  a gorgeous raven haired PorkKeeper stared down at him. "One more joke out of you buster and you're getting a fat lip!" she snarled. The curtain lowered on Act 1 to thunderous applause. Well, someone was clapping. When the curtain rose again the stage was set for - - - PIGS IN SPACE! [Offstage announcer] In our last episode the brave captain of the Command Carrier Swine Trek, Crais Hogthrob, was trying to prevent some prisoners from stealing Moya, his brother was killed in the battle, and the prisoners captured his lead pilot, Miss Aeryn. She escaped and brought one of the prisoners with her to stand before Crais Hogthrob.] The pigs on the set stopped looking around for the location of the announcer and went into their lines. "Oh Miss Aeryn, have you caught the man who killed my brother?" asked Crais. "You can bet your buttons, buster." Answered the raven-haired piggy. "And before I kill you slowly what do you have to say for yourself?" Crais asked Fozzy. "Wakka, wakka, wakka!" "Kill him!" snarled Miss Aeryn. "And kill Miss Aeryn too." Said Crais, "She's spent too much time with the convicts, she's no longer kosher!" "Hey!" cried Miss Aeryn. Suddenly Fozzy Crichton leapt between Miss Piggy and the guards saying "Stand back! I've got lettuce, tomato and toast and I know how to use them!" [Off Stage announcer: "Besure to tune in next time when we hear Captain Crais say..."] Crais stops looking around for the voice and remembers his line "Can I get my BLT with a side of chips and a pickel?" [Off Stage announcer: on PIGS IN SPACE!!!!" {curtain lowers}] Rygel the frog is hovering around getting all the PorkKeeper guards off the stage for the Big Musical Number. Finally the curtain rises on the darkened set, there in the middle of the stage is the Aurora Chair with Miss Aeryn strapped into it. Next to her stands Scorpius. As the lights come up the violin sections starts in and Scorpius starts singing that old Irving Berlin classic. Unforgettable That's what you are, Unforgettable Tho' near or far. Like a song of love that clings to me, How the thought of you does things to me. Never before has someone been more... As the chair begins rotating Miss Aeryn begins singing her part Unforgettable In every way, And forever more That's how you'll stay. That's why, darling, it's incredible That someone so unforgettable Thinks that I am Unforgettable, too. Now a chorus of chickens and pigs wearing shiny leather Scorpius suits joins in the duet Unforgettable In every way, And forever more That's how you'll stay. That's why, darling, it's incredible That someone so unforgettable Thinks that I am Unforgettable, too. The entire cast joins Scorpius and Miss Aeryn on the stage to join in the wild applause. There's some witty repartee and the curtain falls and the show is over. *********** "Wait a minute! You call yourself a writer?" The little green masked terrorist waived his little pistol menacingly at PKAmmoTroop who was exhausted after writing all night at gunpoint. "Look Kermit, I mean Mr. Terrorist, it just won't work. Brian Henson is producer, not Jim Henson. Frank Oz isn't even involved. No one is going to buy this script. It's not FarScape and it's too silly." "Don't tell me about silly, silly sells! I was once the top frog, the world was my oyster! They want muppets! I know muppets! Now write some closing lines!!!" PKAmmoTroop sighed and looked at the gun then went back to writing. "Pitdog is never going to believe this." Back to Top

PKAmmoTroop Presents.... a "Site ONLY" Exclusive This story is for this web page only and anyone who wants to use it should contact me first at: xenajules2@care2.com PKAT's email address pkat@adelphia.net

"CAREER DAY" The early morning autumn sunlight shone on the frost-coated leaves, the amber hues of the sunlight caused rainbow tinted sparkles to decorate the pile of dead leaves behind the garage. Slowly one of the sparkles of light rose into the air, followed by another then another. The multicolored sparkles of light began to slowly circle but as more sparkles joined them they began to swirl faster and faster. Soon the vortex of swirling sparkles of light were spinning at a blinding rate drawing up the dry leaves into its midst.            Six-year-old Joseph watched the fascinating spectacle impassively, making sure to stand far enough away that the debris now swirling with the blinding points of light didn't mess up his school clothes. Finally the swirling mass began to coalesce when suddenly there was a soundless flash and in the midst of the falling leaves stood a human figure. Joseph walked up the to figure who was coughing and pulling dead leaves out of his shirt, "Uncle Stark, mom says coffee's ready." "Oh thank you so much Joey." "Joe-SUF!" corrected the youngster as he led Stark by the hand across the leaf-strewn lawn into the house. The warmth of the kitchen was welcoming after the brisk cool of the morning air outside. Joseph's mom stood looking out the window tisking her tongue over the mess that Stark left. "Darryl just finished raking those leaves last night." She said with a smile as she turned to greet Stark. "Zhaan you look so radiant, so happy!" sighed Stark as they embraced. The young woman stared threateningly at Stark until he corrected himself "I mean Debby." "Why does he always call you that mom?" asked Joseph as he finished his bowl of cereal by drinking the milk from the bowl. "Because it's a name your Uncle Stark called me when we were younger, and if you spill that milk on your nice clean clothes I'm going to bop you." "I won't." Debby turned to Stark. "Thank you so much for agreeing to go to career day with him, his dad was called out of town at the last minute." "It is no problem. Are you REALLY happy here?" said Stark with a hurt smile. "More than I ever realized, dear Stark. This is something that I need to experience before I can advance to the next level. Raising children is at once an exercise in patience and quick reflexes." She said as she reached out with a dishcloth to wipe up a drop of milk before it dripped off Joseph's chin onto his clean shirt. "Now off to school, both of you! Git!" She watched Stark and Joseph walk across the lawn then up the street the three blocks to the elementary school, kicking leaves and playing soccer with a stray rock as they went. Zhaan/Debby smiled then returned to the house to start her daily meditations. Crichton was right, this IS a nice planet, she thought. Hope he makes it back here. Mrs. Wilson, tenured kindergarten teacher, smiled at the polite applause her class gave Danny Smith's dad, an investment banker. She bit her lip in frustration. Pie charts! The idiot brought pie charts! He nearly killed these kids with boredom. Isn't there anyone that is a cop or a fireman any more? An ER nurse, a pilot, an astronaut. She smiled; she'd give her left arm for an astronaut right now. These kids were ready to explode after two lawyers, a social worker, and an investment banker. "Ok class, Joseph brought his dad with him today, his dad is," her heart sank as she saw what was written on the slip of paper she held, "a regional manager for a chain of retail stores." Joseph walked to the head of the classroom with all the poise and dignity a 6 year old can muster. "My dad couldn't make it today" 'Thank God!' sighed Mrs. Wilson "so I brought my Uncle Stark. He's a slave." Mrs. Wilson's eyes bulged wide open. 'What the f ?!?' she thought Joseph walked to the classroom door and after a lot of gesturing and whispered encouragement Stark soon entered the room wearing his mask and his slave robes. He smiled nervously at the sea of young faces that were turned to him and waved a little greeting then suddenly noticed the décor of the room. The class was learning the seasons of the year, one side of the classroom was decorated with sunshine and flowers, the other side with falling leaves and snowflakes. Stark suddenly realized the meaning of the construction paper decorations and smiled wildly. "So pretty! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side! Cold Side! Warm Side!" "Uncle Stark!" whispered Joseph harshly "Talk now, freak later." "How much later?" "UNCLE STARK!" "Ok, what do I do?" asked Stark. "Just what I TOLD you!" answered Joseph through gritted teeth "Ok. Hello students. My name is Stark. I am Joey's I mean Joe-SUF's Uncle and a Banik slave. I help people pass over to the other side." He smiled and shrugged. "That's all, any questions?" The class looked at each other in confusion then Danny Wilson raised his hand. Stark stood smiling until Joseph nudged him, then Stark suddenly remembered what Joseph had told him earlier. He pointed at Danny and said "Your question?" "Yeah." Danny rose to his feet, puffed up with self-importance. "How much money do you make a year as a slave?" Stark looked a bit confused then answered. "I make no money, I'm a slave." "Mr. Stark" Mrs. Wilson started, but Stark called on Justin. "What do you DO as a slave?" "Anything my current owner wants, anything from cooking to mining crystals from a dead budong. And help dying people pass over to the other side." Justin sat down as Patty Johnson raised her hand. Mrs. Wilson rose too, trying to stop Stark from filling her classroom with nonsense, but he was on a roll now. Stark called on Patty who stood and rocking on her heels asked, "Didn't Abraham Linkin free the slaves?" "Ummm not the slaves on my planet." The entire class paused a beat while what Stark had just said sank in. "MISTER Stark!" Cried Mrs. Wilson, "That is just about" She never finished what she was saying because the entire class shot up their hands, which overloaded Starks fragile grasp on reality. He started pointing at hands as quickly as possible "Question, question, question, question, question, question, question, question" all the while his one eye rolled in panic as the children yelled out their question before Mrs. Wilson stopped the fun. "What planet are you from?" "Are you REALLY an alien?" "Where's your flying saucer?" "What's a passing over?" "Why aren't you green?" "Were you on the X-Files?" Suddenly Stark grew calm, very calm. He held one arm straight out while he raised his other hand to his mask. Chanting something in some unfathomable language he pulled his mask back a bit and rays of pure light shot out from under the mask. The children suddenly stopped their chattering and stared in amazement. Then suddenly the classroom exploded in the screams of children: "COOL!" "Do it again!" "Joseph, your uncle ROCKS!" Having given up on trying to restore order in the classroom Mrs. Wilson lowered her head to her desk and once more began counting the days until retirement. Not long later little Patty Johnson stepped out into the hall where her uncle waited along with the other career day guests. He sat ramrod straight with his regal court dress impeccably tailored. His distinctive hairstyle made him stand out among the other guests and gave away his position as a highly ranked member of a noble house. "I'm sorry Uncle Londo, but Mrs. Wilson said no more aliens." "What? She would allow a lowly Banick slave address your class but not a member of the House Molari? What kind of education are you getting on this planet?" Patty just shrugged in reply. "Well come with me little one, Uncle Londo will purchase us a dish of mice cream." "Ice cream, Uncle Londo." Corrected Patty as her uncle escorted her from the building. "What ever. Have I ever told you of the time I first visited this backwards planet? It was several years ago" Back to Top

PKAmmoTroop PRESENTS: MORE SILLY FICLETS! (YEAH!) INDEX: *SITE ONLY* EXCLUSIVE! "Career Day" *WAY TOO SILLY* FICLET!  "The FarScape Show"  *NOT SO SILLY* FICLET!  "Legal Notice"   *CAREER DAY REVISITED! "Teachers Aide"