"WRITER'S BLOCK " Also known as: "A TRIP DOWN THE FARCOSIS BRICK ROAD " By KernilCrash Rating: R, for strong language in both English and Sebacean. Spoilers: Amazingly, I think there actually is one from LATP, pt 2. Time Frame: Over several days of my life. Disclaimer: They aren't mine, but I wish they were. Thank you to the Henson Company, et al. for sharing them with everyone and letting us occasionally abuse them. *************** Hey guys? Look, this story was only supposed to be a short fiction, you know, maybe 20 pages at the most. John and Aeryn, can you pay attention to me for just one moment? If you want me to finish this FanFic and slap it on the bulletin board, you have to stop what you are doing over there in the arm chair because I'm finding it very distracting and I'm not getting much work done. Don't give me that attitude, I've added the scenes you wanted me to Aeryn, so just take your PK aggression and sit on the other side of the room use the day bed. John, put that page down. I KNOW I didn't use the correct lyrics of the song, but you said it had to be in the first chapter, and well if you want the correct lyrics you know the tape is in the machine downstairs, why don't you go listen to it? I put them in here this way because YOU told me that was the way it had occurred. Yeah, good idea, leave me alone and I'll finish the story for you. John, I meant just Aeryn on the daybed why don't you two take this somewhere else so I can finish this short fic, OK? Yes Aeryn, I'll put that part about what you did in the hangar bay back into the story. Go away for a few hours, alright? *** OK, I've got this thing tied up now, what where did those two go? What is that noise in my bedroom? OH HEY couldn't you do that in the guest room? Why on my bed? Sorrrrrry, excuse me. Uhhhh, John? Cute butt. Well if they're in my bedroom, who's coming up the stairs? D'Argo what the frell are you doing here? No, I've put you in the story just the way John and Aeryn told me it happened. Of course I know what happened with the Plokavoids whoa! Check the attitude ok, Plokavians fine, we'll go over it again and make sure your parts are correct. And Chiana's too, big guy. Oh, hi Chi, didn't realize you came in at the same time. Oh, come on D'Argo, if I add all that running around inside Moya, I'll have to add at least another 20 pages. Hey! Just put the blade down, it's just a story Big D I'll add it, I'll add it. But Chiana, I just said this was getting too long OK, I guess you're right, if I leave that part with the PK's out the ending won't make a lot of sense. Just a little coincidence that you were with John when that happened, hunh? D'ARGO, chill. I didn't mean anything by that so don't get your knickers in a knot. Don't you think it would be safer if you went and left your Qualta blade in the transport in the backyard? Fine, then let me work on the story. Uh kids? I kicked John and Aeryn out of here when they were doing that damn, I knew that daybed wasn't gonna support a Luxan. Just take that down the hall to the guest room and let me break this story into chapters cuz its getting too long for just one big chunk. Oh, John and Aeryn say they're hungry now and you'd all rather eat than do THAT? Must be all that exercise, hunh? Hee hee. PUT THE PULSE PISTOLS AWAY! That's IT! All weapons out of the house and into the transport pod now. Thank you Chiana, just take everyone else's when you go. John, give Wynona to Chiana, she'll take good care of it. Of course she will, she retrieved it for you in Eat Me didn't she? OK, OK, we'll add that sore subject to the "Atlas of Roads Not To Go Down". I don't have enough food for a Luxan and the three of you, why don't you order pizza and go out and get some beer? The phone number for Pizza Putt is on the fridge and John and Aeryn can go pick up some suds while I add ANOTHER 40 pages to your story. No D'Argo, you can't go when they pick up the beer, you won't fit in the car. John, here are the car keys, drive carefully with Aeryn in the car, my insurance doesn't cover paraphoral tissue grafts for Sebaceans. D'Argo, get out of the car you can NOT go. I don't care what Gary Raegel did in WGFA, if the cops in a prowl car see you they'll arrest you all. Aeryn! I said prowl CAR, not Prowl-ERS, do NOT mount the pulse cannon on top of my brand new Jetta. Well in that case, you can't go with John. Fine, you can leave the pulse cannon in the garage. How many pizzas are being delivered? 15 Oh boy I'll call and extend the credit limit on my card and then put those other scenes in the story, OK? Let me know when you're back with the beer. *** Well, I'm up to 6 chapters now, this thing just ain't a short fiction anymore. Guess I'll take a chance and see if those folks are happy. Man, at least they cleaned up after they mowed through all those pies. All fifteen gone? Guess they don't get much 'za in the Uncharted Territories but where the frell did they all go? Maybe back upstairs the bedrooms AGAIN? Let's see, if John and Aeryn are in there yup and Chi and D are in the guestroom yup well then who the heck is that I hear on the porch? Three Hynerian donkeys?!?!??! Absolutely NOT, I draw the line here. Out you three, just go back to the transport pod and wait for these folks to finish! Maybe I can catch a little sleep on what's left of the daybed. Who could be sloshing around in the tub in the bathroom? RYGEL? Who let you in? Stark, you know I think Sparky is capable of washing his own back with the loofa, you don't need to be in the tub with him. No, no, no, I'll just close the door and when you get out you can come tell me what ELSE I have to put in the story. Whew! That was a vision I could have lived without. Stark that's MY bathrobe oh, never mind, you actually look pretty good in pink fluffy polar fleece. Rygel, you're dripping on the keyboard. Oh come on, you're getting the pages wet and as soon as those other emerge from the bedrooms I figured we could proof read this and post it to the bulletin board. What do you mean your courageous endeavors are missing? Don't get stuffy with me Buckwheat, I've got a good idea what sort of lies you want me to add. I know I call you names just like Crichton, we are both human after all. Stark, I ALREADY have one "your side, my side" scene in there, we don't need another. Both of you hang on, that was the door bell I gotta go see who it is. Jool? Et tu, Joolushko? Owww, stop screaming, just because I increased the amount of text for Chiana doesn't automatically mean you get more space too. Hey, don't go all red on me Princess you want redhead attitude, I got it RIGHT HERE and MY red is NATURAL. Oh jeezum crowbars don't cry I didn't mean it that way. Here honey take some tissues and come upstairs to the office and we'll add the parts you want. Hey guys? I'm going to add some more scenes for Jool, so I guess I'll add the parts you guys wanted too. No, Fluffy I don't want a Hynerian hug, but thank you Stark for that lovely blessing from the Goddess. I can't write with the three of you in here, why don't you all go downstairs and watch some TV. What's a Tee Vee oh, frell come on I'll show you. Oh god, the cat hacked up a hairball in the middle of the bathroom floor, go downstairs and wait while I clean this up. WAIT A MINUTE JOOL. Why is this cat-hair-ball RED? Oh, all four of you are up I CANNOT write with all of you standing around I have to add another 30 pages for these three what do you mean I have to put those cut excerpts back in? Well, I guess it would help the continuity. I'll set you all up in the living room watch some TV while I add all this yotz to the story. Here, I have all 62 episodes of this show, you can watch this What do you mean you don't like THAT show it's the only one I've bothered buying on DVD! Fine, fine here, three and a half seasons of MacGyver watch that. John can explain to the rest of you how to run the VCR. *** God damn it, what is that horrible smell? Oh no, the printer just burned up trying to churn this monster story out. Hey guys? Can someone get the door please? Guys? Just one more thing NO, I'VE GOT IT. Delivery from Victorinox? Yes, I'll sign for it. Do any of you know what all these cartons are? You all bought Swiss Army Knives to take back to the UT's. Sigggggggggghhhh. What about this really big one, it's almost three feet high. Pilot should have his own when you're right, you're right. Well, the bad news is that the printer just burned out trying to print a draft of this monster so you're going to have to take my word that you are all in the story the way you want to be. What's that, John? You have a plan? I'm not sure that's a really good idea. I apologize, I didn't mean to make Jool cry again. Go ahead and get the DRD out of the transport pod and hook it up if it really can print the story out I guess it's worth a try. Hey, the DRDs really are cute aren't they. John, is this DRD Pike? Don't get all stuck on secrecy NOW dude. Just remember it was YOU and Aeryn who came to me one morning and asked me to write this story. If you can't tell me whether DRD Pike really got fried in the Starburst chamber then maybe I ought to just delete the entire file, hunh? OK fine. You don't tell me, and I don't have to put that very ugly evisceration scene in, and I don't have to find a spot in the story for a critter. *** Well, they were right about the DRD being able to handle the print queues. Phone again? NO AERYN! DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE, NO ONE KNOWS THAT ALL OF YOU ARE HERE. I'LL GET IT UPSTAIRS! Collect call from Pilot? Yes, I'll accept. Yes, Pilot? How the hezmana did you find out what was in the story? The DRD I should have seen that one coming. Look if I add all that White Dwarf stuff, I'll have to add another entire chapter. Pilot I don't think anyone will blame you OR Moya for what happened even if I leave the White Dwarf out of the story yes, I know Moya will be in great emotional pain. No, I wouldn't want to cause Moya any anguish, I'll add the chapter. NO do NOT explain this over the phone I don't understand migrating white dwarf stars anyway and are you aware how expensive it is to call collect from the Uncharted Territories to New England? Good, send the schematics to the DRD and have it print it out and I'll add it. Good bye Pilot. *** Hi John, Hi Aeryn. I have almost everything added into the story. It'll probably be another few hours and then you can all check and see if it is the way you want it. You want more beer at this hour? Aeryn, I don't think I can get fellip nectar delivered right now. I understand you want to do a taste comparison between that and beer, but we don't have any fellip nectar shops in the area yet. You know what? It's 3:00AM, I think its safe for you to all go for a drive to pick up beer. Sure you can all fit it's a Jetta wagon. John and Aeryn in the front, Jool and D'Argo in the back with Chiana in his lap, and stick Stark and Rygel in the deck. You still have the keys John? Good, keep it under the speed limit, I don't want to come down to the police station to explain this. GOOD GOD, John, driving it like you drive your module is the LAST thing I want take it easy. They're all gone, maybe I can get something to eat now. That Sebacean mint stew was OK, and I liked Grandma Crichton's buttermilk biscuits, but they really didn't go together. Maybe just some eggs and toast who's that in the kitchen, I thought they all left. Ro-Na? What the frell are you doing here? You're not in this story, you got fried in LATP! Don't try and pull that "I'm the mother of his children" dren with me, I can tell the difference between John Crichton and Ben Browder now go back where you came from. Good, time for some early breakfast. Hey! Where's the damn toaster? *** All right, almost done and no one's added anything in a while, but I'm still up to 12 chapters. Door bell AGAIN? I guess I'm being unrealistic if I think one of those wellnitz's is going to get it. Yes, can I help you? All right you jolly jokers, who ordered $82.00 worth of Chinese food? John and Aeryn, I just gotta say you look pretty happy curled up in that recliner. Yeah, I think it's a comfy chair too. Excuse me folks, I'll go just finish that story up. NOW who the frell is in the shower? SCORPY!!! Cripes, Scorpy naked in my shower, now THAT sight I could have lived without. John, can you get your very cute butt up here for a minute? Are you wearing my favorite sweat pants? Look, Harvey is in the shower and you are going to get him out of here right now. I am not backing down on this one first of all he has plenty of space in the story already, and second of all he is YOUR hallucination I've already got all of you running around in my house, I don't need another one. Don't cop an attitude here, I'd be happy to just go reformat my C: drive and I'm not bluffing! John Crichton, you do NOT want to go one-on-one with a pissed off air traffic controller and wasn't it you who said "Damn Smokey, don't you know you can't argue with a woman!"? Now get Scorpy out of my shower! Good choice. And wash that ring out of the tub eewwww. What is that gunk? *** Yup, I'm sorry that you all have to leave now too. Actually, it's been a lot of fun. Yes, I promise not to mess with what we all agreed upon in the story, I promise not to cut any scenes back out. Hugs from everyone? Oh alright, I guess I love you all enough for hugs all around. Sparky, Stark, Jool, Chiana, D'Argo ooooppphhhh wow, Luxan hugs. Aeryn, love ya babe, take good care of John for us all. John, mmmmmmm. John, wait just a second tell you what, I'll trade you. One more hug and I'll put the epilogue back into the story. Ohhhh, that's nice. Stop back again some time and we'll do another story. Hey, hey, hey! Easy with the transport pod. FOR GOD'S SAKE, WATCH OUT FOR THE NEIGHBOR'S fence. *** You know, all my life I've heard all this dren about "Writer's Block" and the problems authors have creating a story and then I try writing and I find what I need is a "Writer's Blockade" to keep them all out. ;-) Kernil Crash |
Silly Ficlet: "My Guiding Star" By Jules Disclaimer: Farscape and its characters are owned by The Jim Henson Co. I'm only borrowing them. Some things tho, are mine. I'll loan THEM to anyone who wants to use them. I think this has everything the contest wanted....TalynJohn's Notebook - Check. John and Aeryn - check. Talking - Check. Less than 2500 words - double check. Enjoy! Time Frame: After "Fractures" Location: Somewhere in the Uncharted Territories, aboard the Leviathan named Moya... John murmured in her ear: "Would you like to name some more stars?" Aeryn answered: "Mm mm." John opened his notebook to the page he had last used. He pointed to a point on the page. "This star is the center of this chart. You know, I named it Aeryn. I always name the center point for you. You are my guide, here in the Uncharted Territories." Aeryn simply looked into John's eyes. John reached out his hand and placed it behind her head, within the hollow of her neck. The small hairs that had escaped from her braid were slightly damp and he twined his fingers in them, and then slid his hand up to loosen the braid. Aeryn made no move to stop him. Emboldened by her lack of objection, his other hand reached from the page to the zipper on her vest. His lips sought hers and they kissed, for a long, long time. "I want you to stay with me...always." John breathed into her ear. His hands were searching, harder, further... D'Argo stuck his head in the doorway of John's quarters. He half leaned against the doorframe, a bottle of raslak in one hand. "John, if you don't stop talking to that, what did you call it? An A*I*D?" D'Argo said. John hissed his reply: "It's I*A*D! I've TOLD you before!" D'Argo: "Yes, well, the I*A*D*, people will think that you're insane again, that the chip in your head isn't gone. Come, have a raslak with me, and we'll get you thinking about something else in no time." D'Argo gestured to John with the bottle. John got up with a deep sigh. He gave the I*A*D a final peck on the cheek, and pulled out the plug. "Aeryn" flew around the room, rapidly deflating, as John and D'Argo walked down the corridor, playing R-P-S to decide who would get the first drink. The End |
"THE TWO JOHNS" A Ficlet by UCSBdad Talyn approached Moya slowly, concerned that there was no reply to his communications. John and Aeryn left Talyn and came aboard Moya. Each knew that they were about to meet the "other" John. Aeryn slid her hand into her John's hand and gently squeezed it. John turned and smiled at his love. They walked through the silent corridors of Moya until they came to Pilot's Den where they found the remains of a HUGE party. Pilot was passed out at the console, and Jool and Chiana were sleeping it off, too. Moya John sat in front of Pilot's console with a familiar looking, but unidentifiable, scantily dressed Sebacean woman on his lap. Her face was away from Talyn John and Aeryn, busily nuzzling Moya John's ear. "So you two are back?" said Moya John. Both Aeryn and Talyn John nodded. Aeryn slid her arm around John and then rested her head on his shoulder. John looked at his duplicate and decided to face the music immediately. "We found a planet called Kne-Va-Da where they do quicky marriages. Aeryn and I were married by an Elvis impersonator at the Graceland Wedding Chapel and Casino. This is Aeryn Crichton. Aeryn smiled at her husband and then looked at Moya John. Moya John laughed. "You're not lying to me are you? You wouldn't lie to your Daddy? D'Argo, tell them who their Daddy is." D'Argo looked up from his hangover. "John's your Daddy." The Sebacean woman giggled. "Aeryn, dear, you should have told me what human men were like. Johnny and I were married last night." Xhalax Crichton turned to her daughter and Talyn John. "I guess Johnny is now his own father-in-law," she giggled drunkenly. "Whoa!" said John and Aeryn in unison. And remember, be careful out there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
***INHUMAN TORTURE! * PIKE'S MURDER!*** Submitted by Blind_Dentist [OK, so I begged him. Humor me on this, Please!] ***** Pike's perspective of his last day: ***** [editor's note: This is based on the actual events which took place in the episode "Losing Time"} *bzzz* Yup .. I'm happy .. zippin around. =) *bzzz* I'm a happy little yellow DRD! =) *bzzz* I like being a DRD! =) *bzzz* I'm happy. =) *whirl* Oh My! I better clean Up this Blood! =) *bzzz* Hey its that odd guy...=/ Hey .. He picked me Up! (wheels spinning) =/ Hey!! Hey, You Exposed My Rump! =( What kinda nut is this guy, that.. =/ HEY!!!! GET THAT PROBE OUT OF THERE!!! >:( LOOKIN FOR YOUR BLOOD?! >8( LET ME GO. AND I CAN FIND SOME IN YOUR NOSE YOU FREAK!! >8/ Wtf?! He's Sniffing it? This guy is TWISTED! 8( Cool.. he's bitching now.. he's going over and sitting down... I'll remain perfectly ... still... while he... falls... asleep... *bzzz* Alright! He's OUT! I'm takin off! *bzzz* I've NEVER been more thankful I'm not a sheep! >:{ *****(Later In A Corridor)***** *bzzz* OH NO! It's that Freak and he's with the white-haired weirdo! Maybe if I sneak... DAMNIT! He grabbed me AGAIN! =0 *BZZZ!* (Extends Snappers) OK BUDDY! You WANNA DANCE?! This Time IT's MY Turn to Probe!!! What are you babblin about?? COME HERE and TAKE YOUR MEDICINE YOU FREAK! ACK! .. He grabbed my eyes! ACK! .. That Hurts! ACK! .. Maybe if I blink He'll let me go... COOL, it WORKED ..THAT IDIOT!... I'm GONE! 8( *****(Later Still)***** *bzzz* I dunno why this stuff always happens to me, but tomorrow I retire and... OH NO!.. IT'S HIM... OK .. He's chattering again.. I'll blink.. OK .. He seems happy with it.. He's not letting me go.. I'll blink again.. OK .. He's happy.. WTF?!! He's Trippin On me! =^0 He's Freakin OUT and I - OOOWWWWCH! HE GRABBED MY EYES AGAIN! >8( Why Does he do that crap?! B-L-I-N-K ! Ok, the putz took off. I need to hide! *****(Later Still)***** *bzzz* Well, alright! My last job before retirement. *bzzz* All I have to do is join these two cables. Well what do you know.. It's that white-haired weirdo. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. *bzzz* Ok Honey, I don't know who you guys think you are, but I've had just about enough of this... WTF?! Are you sleeping? Of all the lazy good for nothing.. *SLAM!* Wake UP when I'm talkin to you! OH ..Now she's mad!.. Oh swinging mad!.. You wanna piece of ME, sister?! WTF?! Fell back asleep?! Talk about lazy! That is IT! *SLAM!* I AM *SLAM!* SICK OF YOU *SLAM!* PEOPLE ALWAYS VIOLATING *SLAM!* ME TO GET YOUR *SLAM!* KICKS! OH, So you're up now, eh? WTF? Why are you joining those cables.. OH NO.. YOU IDIOT!! I gotta join mine or the starburst will overload. There ... Done, I better boogie before she fires! Yup, 10 more feet and I am officially RETIRED! YEARS of hard work, and NOW I get my payoff! 5 more feet to go, and I am scott-free! 2 more feet and I can finally live for ME!! I can - WTF?! That IDIOT Kicked me!!! SHE KICKED ME BACK TO SAVE HER OWN SORRY HIDE!! OMG.. I gotta double time! Oh no, the door is closing! OH NO! iT'S CLOSING!! 8.( NO NO.. IT'S CLOSED!! YOU KILLED ME!!! 8~( YOU FREAKS!!! YOU MURDERED ME ~* >>>>>*StArBuRsT*<<<<< |
FARSCAPE HUMOR RATED PG-13 **VIOLENCE**LANGUAGE**SEX**LIES**VIDEOTAPE** **Ooops! NO VIDEOTAPE** **BUT LOTS OF OTHER GOOD STUFF!!** INDEX: 1. "INHUMAN TORTURE!**PIKE'S MURDER!" by Blind_Dentist; 2. "Violence in Movies" **HUMOR NC-17** by Blind_Dentist; 3. "THE TWO JOHNS" by UCSBdad ; 4. Silly Ficlet: "My Guiding Star" by Jules ; 5. "Well, he SMELLS like Ben Browder..." by Verkan_Vall ; 6. "The Worst" by CleverFox ; 7. "WRITER'S BLOCK" by KernilCrash ; |
"Violence in Movies" **HUMOR NC-17** Date: 07/30/2001 From: Blind_Dentist It should be recognized that graphic violence in motion pictures has increased over the last thirty years. There are those in the motion picture industry, as well as the general public that have argued the fact that this increased violence is simply recognized as a "maturing" process of the viewer. As a viewer of such films, I have comprised a detailed review, from my perspective, of direct violence as related to various movies. What follows is a "case by case" incident study: * The Pines Theater - 1968 - Rosemary's Baby: I was told this movie was terrifying, and it would haunt me. I sat through it, all the way. It was long, it was dry, and it was boring. Throughout the entire movie, a neighborhood girl by the name of Becky Dorn, giggled distractingly with her girlfriends. I suffered through the movie until finally I could take no anymore. Then the show, and the giggling, lasted another hour. By the time it was finished, I realized that I had wasted my time and $3.50 on a ticket, popcorn, snacks, and pop. It felt violent. It felt extremely violent. * The Beverly Theater - 1968 - Planet of the Apes: I was told this movie was incredible, but had a twist at the end. I watched it, engulfed by the (then) state of the art special effects. It was interesting, inspiring, and a creative masterpiece. On the screen, was the climactic ending. Charton Heston approached the beach on horseback, with a look of shock on his face. Becky Dorn, in the seat in front of me, loudly whispers a girlfriend, "This is the part where he finds the Statue of Liberty. They're on Earth." I was shocked, since the thought never occured to me. Five minutes later, the audience was shown it was, indeed the Statue of Liberty, and the "Planet of the Apes" was Earth. The entire movie was ruined. My entire experience, my total enjoyment, and $3.75 for a ticket, popcorn, snacks, and a pop, were all utterly wasted. I felt violent. I felt extremely violent. * The Pines Theater - 1972 - The Godfather: Well, I had moved away to get a better job. It had been a while since I had even gone to the movies, and since I was home visiting the folks, I figured I'd take in "The Godfather". I spent $4.50 on tickets, popcorn, snacks, and pop. I didn't see much of the movie. I was too busy glaring at Becky Dorn, now a high school senior, as she was enjoying the movie with her boyfriend. I thought about "Planet of the Apes" and every time I heard a gunshot during "The Godfather" I imagined her being shot. It was violent. It was extremely violent. * The Rialto Drive-in - 1977 - Star Wars: Life is funny. I met a girl in a singles bar, and we hit it off. It was Rebecca from my old neighborhood, and after a year of seeing each other we got married. We decided to go to the movies. I spent $14.00 on tickets, popcorn, snacks, pop and condoms. I had never seen the movie before but was told it was incredible. We watched the space battle, and we watched as Luke Skywalker had met with "Obi-Wan" Kenobi. It came to the scene where Luke was returning to his uncle and aunt's house. There was smoke coming out of the dwelling. Becky said "Oh my god, I bet they're dead." That was it. I couldn't help but remember "Planet of the Apes". I grabbed a hot dog and slapped Becky across the face, smearing her make-up with condiments. I poured the pop over her head as she gurgled protests. I dumped the popcorn down the front of her shirt, as the butter soaked her new clothes. I pelted her with condoms and Clark bars as she fled the car then I sped away, ripping the detachable microphone off of the stand. It was violent. It was extremely violent. It was out of control. * The Rialto Drive-in - 1981 - The Road Warrior: - Special Midnight Viewing: Life Sucks. I lost my job. I'm divorced from the "Spiteful Movie Wrecking Tramp". I had a heart attack. Evidently I was eating too much popcorn, snacks, and pop. I decided, and maybe its just a guy thing, to take in a midnight movie of "The Road Warrior." I Loved it! It was harsh, violent, bitter and angry! I ate it up, particularly since I had nothing else to eat. It cost me my last $5.00 for the ticket, and the doctor said I couldn't have popcorn, snacks, or pop. As the movie ended, I started up my car. I flipped on my headlights to noticed 'Becky the Bitch' was in a 4x4 directly in front of me. As she looked into the rear view mirror, our eyes locked. Time stopped. I didn't notice the car to my left, which was a guy I drove off the interstate while getting here, but he saw and recognized me. I neglected to notice Becky's "Red-Neck" Brother and his hunting buddies directly behind me, but they noticed and recognized me. I paid no attention to the old man that owned the drive-in who remembered me destroying his property back in '77, and I never saw him angrily running toward my car with a baseball bat. What I do remember is that I just finished watching "The Road Warrior". I was in a vehicle with a full tank of gas. It was 2:00 a.m., and I remembered the faked orgasms and the heartbreak of the Statue of Liberty. I threw the car into first and hit the gas. It was violent. The exact length of time wasn't remembered. Whether it was 8 or 10 hours, no one could be sure. The "demolition derby" lasted into mid morning of the next day. When it was over, there was totaled $350,000 in property damage, $42,000 in vehicle damage, and $127,428 in hospital bills. The hospital bills covered a wide range of treatments. They covered 2nd and 3rd degree hot-buttered popcorn burns, the extraction of "Clark Bars" from nostrils, the skin grafting and removal of a drive-in speaker from some crazy old man's face, and the surgical removal of a baseball bat from my ass. It was extremely violent. * I've stopped going to the movies. Even if I wanted to, and I had no heart condition, my lack of teeth keep me from ever again enjoying popcorn, snacks, and pop. I've started to watch a little more television, at least programs that lack too much gratuitous violence. I have seen simply too much violence in movies and how they effect the people that watch them. This is why, again from my experience, I feel more control should be issued to prohibit violence at the movies. ******* Next Review: "Why One Shouldn't Get Drunk On Tequila, Then Carry Loaded Guns Into The DMV." |
Well, he SMELLS like Ben Browder... by Verkan_Vall I've been wondering for quite some time now, just what it is about Ben Browder that gets women ...going. And I noticed that a number of the members of the smarter sex (hey, I admit it) both here and on other boards, were swooning over the way he SMELLED. Well, I thought, if it works for him, it will work for me! So I express ordered a gallon jug of BOSS from Olfactories Unlimited, and when that baby arrived yesterday, I cracked her open and sloshed on a couple of ounces. And then I went out to inflict myself on an unsuspecting world. My first stop was my neighbor across the street whose daughter has just started college ( a six foot tall cheerleader, sigh). "Hello, Mr. Evans, how are you and your family today?" He set his dog on me. My second encounter was with the taut and efficient UPS delivery woman who delivers in my area. "Hello, MS. How is it going?" She ran a stop sign and tried to run me down with her truck. My third encounter was with the mounted policewoman (leather, boots, the works) who patrols the local mall. "Good Afternoon, Officer", I innocently said. Her horse began flatulating uncontrollably (cleared out that parking lot) and the next thing I know, I'm cuffed and tossed into the wagon for a trip to the local station house! Luckily, I was out in a trice due to the good offices of my brother the lawyer (a clear case of nasal profiling). My next stop was my Aunt's house; unfortunately, the cloud of cologne following me around made her eyes water so badly that she took me for a stranger. She grabbed that blackthorn cane I gave her for Christmas and was wuppin me like a tub of butter when my Uncle pulled her off me. They were appalled at my condition, but after putting my feet up on the couch, a toasted onion bagel (dripping with American cheese) and a Mountain Dew revived me. After accepting my Aunt's tearful apology and my Uncle's advice ("Get rid of that funny-smellin stuff, boy"), I took my leave. On the way out, I discovered (too late) that my Aunt's cats had piddled in my shoes. My sad, sodden trip home was relatively uneventful, with the exception of the kamakazi attack by the enraged skunk (his anger fueled by jealousy, no doubt) two doors from my home. So, here I am, wounded, wary, yet no wiser than when I had left. I know one thing though: There is more to being a love god than just smelling like one. Confused, Bruised and Contused, Yet Flagrantly Fragrant in Philadelphia Verkan_Vall |
"THE WORST" by CleverFox "Thirdly, the fourth season going to debut in June regardless, because they won't be ready until then. The third season is, from all reports (both online, and from a conversation I had with David Kemper in New York last month), going to end on a ===NASTY=== note, one that will have everyone hungry for the fourth season to start. By pushing the end of the third season to March, we'll only have to wait three months instead of five." KRAD (bboard post) NEWSWIRE: Sci-Fi Channel's Bright Star Becomes Black Hole Sydney, Australia - Today, rioting in the streets of Sydney and beyond resumed as angry mobs of fans from all over the world converged near the television studio sets of the Sci Fi Channel's most popular series, Farscape. Some fans succumbed to a mob mentality, overturning cars in the street, others using their computer keyboards, VCRs and remote controls as grenades, which they launched at the offices of Farscape's production company, Henson and Company, and the windows of Executive Producer David Kemper's office. There were also strangely -- huge quantities of food thrown at the offices, mainly an assortment of pies. One fan had an apparatus, which she called a "twinkie launcher." Local police are baffled by this outpouring of protest, as thousands marched through the streets with placards and banners, yelling out strange things like "TPTB eat dren!" and "hezmana no, we won't frellin' go!" Special profilers have gathered the Farscape series on videotape and are watching the episodes carefully, as well as monitoring Sci Fi website board activity to develop a plan for dealing with, as they call themselves, "The 'Scapers." Following a three-year run of successful programming, the show developed a fan base of unprecedented proportions, and a ground swelling of popular support for its excellent special effects and moving, character-driven plots. Largely a grass-roots phenomenon, the Fandom showed its hidden strength and overwhelming numbers when, after waiting over six months for a third season four-part finale, their favorite show took a few nasty turns, and fans took to the streets. From newly opened fan headquarters in Sydney, they began to mobilize and their group continues to grow as American, Canadian and European fans fly in to join the movement. It all began when the Sci Fi Channel decided to postpone its airing of the season three finale four episodes usually shown in January before other networks engage in February sweeps. Due to the excessive costs involved in production of the show, its airing was postponed until March. Fans expressed some disappointment, but were more than willing to wait for the show's creators to wow them with March's month-long finale. The beginning of Season Four of Farscape planned for June would then follow the finale more closely. Instead of waiting six months for Season Four, fans would only wait three months for the conundrums of the season three finale to be sorted out. Everything seemed fine as March approached. Fans were happy, and it seemed, were more in love with their show than ever, having filled in the time with reading Farscape novels and writing their own scenarios, known as Fan Fics, for other fans to read. "We were anxious for the new shows to begin," says Sheena Julestu, "but in a good way. More of an expectation and anticipation for that magical month." P.T. Dawg agreed, saying, "There were butterflies in my stomach nearly every day. I had to chase cars just to expend some of the extra energy I had building up inside. I must have gone through at least a hundred chew toys." Other fans were dealing with the extra time in another way. "Although we knew that the episodes in March were going to be emotionally draining, we were ready for anything, having had the extra time to be in training. I feel the fan troops were as prepared as they could be under the circumstances," says Lt. P. Caminotruep, head of the National Fan Training Facility in Philadelphia. Weekly safety briefings were issued from this facility, and were dutifully carried out by fans worldwide. "We felt ready, really prepared after our training and our mock battles which took place at least once a week," says soldier, Ban E. Elle. The mock battles, taking place with food as a substitute for live ammunition, was legendary among fans that wished to become more engaged in the activities and community service of the Fandom. Randy Runnikovitz summed up the breaking point for fans. "When it came right down to what was happening in March, there wasn't a single fan who was not outraged and, despite our preparedness, we knew something outside of the ordinary was taking place." "We had to mobilize," says Mr. Dawg. "And it wasn't a matter of us just being persnickety. This was the real deal." "We'd been robbed," agreed Dr. Mya Crow, head of the psychiatric unit at Fandom Headquarters. "We keep our heads as level as we can and rely on each other for support, but now" she trailed off and her eyes became moist. "You can't imagine the carnage," finished Steve Palmer, Farscape Fandom Social Chair. "We went from parties one moment to complete mystification and sadness the next." So, where did the Farscape creators go wrong? How could a simple Sci Fi show incite violence, protesting, marching and riots in the streets of Sydney? The four March shows, which aired in the usual Friday night, 9:00pm time slot, began with a bang, as Moya, the biomechanoid Leviathan ship that the crew travels on, turned nasty. She blows the character Rygel out of an airlock in the first five minutes of the show. Rygel, a non-human character requiring five technicians to operate his many puppet parts, was a classic staple of the show, with his wily ways and conniving deviousness. It turned out that Moya was simply having a bad day, and Rygel's death was shrugged off by the other characters with a minimum of fuss. Rumors on the Farscape set seemed to indicate that the five technicians required for just one character were creating a severe food shortage at the catering table, causing the executive producers and stars to get grumpy. After this major blow to the show's staple characters, the next disturbance involved Jool, a red-haired screamer, and D'Argo, the large Luxan warrior, seducing one another gratuitously and ending up in bed together. D'Argo's former lover, Chiana, a monochromatic minx, walked in on them and pulled all of Jool's hair out. Jool remained completely bald and intensely unpleasant to look at for the rest of the season finale. Also maimed was D'Argo, when Chiana took his warrior blade and carved up his face with it. Now, D'Argo is even more disfigured than his own son, Jothee; a character who appeared briefly in a previous season, and had numerous facial scars. Stark, a character capable of spiritual miracles and physical dispersal, returned to the crew. Formerly a rather psychotic character, his odd interplay with other characters was a source of much amusement. Now, completely sane and sanitized, Stark sits around having conversations with Zhaan, who died in a previous season, causing much angst in the Fandom. Fans wanted her back, and badly. But instead of getting actress Virginia Hey back to the show, the producers decided on a replacement. And since Zhaan is technically dead, Stark brought back her spirit, which now resides in Moya and speaks to the crew from a communications device known as the "clamshell." Problem solved, perhaps, but fans were disturbed by the actress-switch. One fan called it a "soap-opera ploy," and a "half-assed attempt to placate us." After many episodes portraying the character Bialar Crais as a caring and compassionate man, instead of the original 'crazed-madman on the loose,' the producers and writers had a new twist in store for those who had finally come to believe that Crais was a valuable member of the Moya team. In the much-anticipated raid on evil Scorpius' Gammack base, a deranged sword-bearing soldier immediately beheaded Crais, leaving the main characters Aeryn and John on their own in the Gammack base with nary a plan in mind. Crais' head was placed among others in a trophy display, much as Crais himself used to have Hynerian heads in a trophy case. The swordsman turned out to be a young Peacekeeper male, who was later shown undressing, flexing his pecs and preparing to take a bubble bath underneath Crais' mounted head. From the lingering pans across his abs, it's clear he will be a returning character. Another seemingly new character to the show is the Boolite, a creature that was blown apart in the last new episode last summer. An eye here, a tube there, it seemed this creature was never going to be whole, and many fans now wish it wasn't. It looks like "The Blob" but has one blue eye that fills with tears whenever something quasi-emotional happens, like Stark professes his love for the new clamshell-encased Zhaan. Sparks between the Boolite and Jool were flying. The Boolite also cries when Chiana, another perennial fan favorite, suddenly dies. She was struck with a mysterious illness that was likely the result of D'Argo poisoning her food. Clamshell Zhaan and serious Stark helped her over to the other side and her corpse was blown out an airlock. And what did 'fate' have in store for the two main characters, the star-crossed lovers, the beautiful ex-Peacekeeper Aeryn Sun, and the handsome human, John Crichton? You may well ask. Naturally, they were also killed off. After they successfully stopped the evil Scorpius, in a very simple hand-to-hand battle that resembled a WWF scenario, they cut up his body into little pieces to let the audience know that this time he was really dead. (He's been known to die and then not be dead before, in true villain fashion). Another favorite, the black vinyl-clad Scorpius provided the show's balance, the yin to yang, the good to evil ratio. That a few simple blows could knock him out of commission after all this time surviving on the show was by any standards, ludicrous. The celebratory Aeryn and John then took the wormhole technology and destroyed it, so that never again could anyone use if for evil purposes. They also realized that John would never return to earth. After a few tears over this reality, they realized that being together was all that mattered. They jumped in their prowler to return to Moya. On their approach, suddenly a wormhole opened, spewing out an earthly module, which caught the prowler's wing and sent John and Aeryn spinning out of control, crashing into a nearby planet. The module ended up on Moya, and as the remaining crew approached it, they noticed it was called, "Farscape II." It opened and out popped John Crichton's best friend from earth, the aptly named, DK. Once again, wormhole technology is on the loose in the form of a cocky, handsome earthling. Later, it turned out that Aeryn Sun conveniently has a twin sister, who has been looking for her for "many cycles," as she knew about Aeryn without Aeryn being aware of her existence. Yes, folks, Claudia Black's contract did not expire. (Ben Browder has been relegated to performing the part of the Boolite's voice.) It's clear that there is sexual tension between DK and Aeryn's twin, Eden, but how will they find love when DK is indirectly responsible for her sister's death, with his blast through the wormhole in search of his buddy John and Farscape I. Not content to simply kill off the two main favorite characters in a ball of flame, the writers included an implausible scene at the end whereby Aeryn and John made it to the nearby planet, not quite dead yet! In a total tearjerker of a scene, Aeryn places the dying body of John on a funeral pyre (somehow she managed to chop all that wood), and then threw herself on it, knowing that neither of them would recover from their injuries. Farscape creator Rockne O'Bannon said that Browder's disappearance would in no way hurt the magic of the production/writing team. "We really felt that the Crichton character had become useless, redundant if you will. Of course, Ben Browder is still a great friend. He understood he had to leave for the good of the show." Perhaps the story arc was to be expected, as executive producer David Kemper had told fans that the season finale would get "nasty," and would be full of conflict. Additionally, the titles of the four season finale shows could have been a clue. "Cycle of Death," "Microts Before Dying," "Die Me, Die You," and "The Way We Died." Kemper, in a recent interview said, "Season four, well, I really can't talk about it, but fans, what's left of the little buggers, will really be pissed off!" He nearly fell off his chair laughing. "Let's just say that a new Hynerian, using the old Rygel puppet, will be the next hero of the show. The main focus of season four will focus on his pain and emotional trauma as he tries to deal with DK's humanity. The Hynerian's gaseous body is a great burden that he bears with such bravery and we want to explore that." During the interview, a huge chunk of moldy coagulated gravy flew through a broken window, landing on the floor with a plop. Outside, cheers could be heard and people yelling, splatt, splatt, splatt! Kemper brushed it aside with a wave of his hand. "We felt that the success of the show really hinged on burning the fan's fingers; making them as angry and irritated as possible." From the looks of things, it seems that Mr. Kemper has succeeded. |
