INDEX 1. "A YIDDISHE FARSCAPE" by soldierboy 2. "AERYN'S MONTE PYTHON FUNERAL" by mistie406 3. "MORNING COFFEE" by Vaya 4. "John Dreams of TV" by jcrichton82 |
AERYN'S MONTE PYTHON FUNERAL Date: 01/29/2001 by mistie406 This is a repost, by request. Something to cheer up you Aeryn mourners. Zhaan: The goddess graciously receives to her bosom all those that pass from this existence, regardless of faith or belief. Aeryn: *opening her eyes* I'm not dead! Zhaan: She holds, however, a special place for those who travel this life as a journey. Aeryn: I'm getting better! Zhaan: Aeryn Sun will surely harvest favor. Her life was a series of strides toward enlightenment. Casting off the chains of prejudice and hatred, reaching beyond violence and bigotry, she sought a balance of lasting inner peace. In her name -- Aeryn: I don't want to go in the pod. Zhaan: May the goddess recieve you with charity. May the goddess sanctify your spirit. Aeryn: I think I'll go for a walk! May the goddess purify your soul. May the goddess always recite your name on the whispers of the wind. Aeryn: I feel happy! I feel happy! *D'Argo clocks Aeryn hard with the butt of his Qualtha blade* This was taken from a SciFi.com BBoard post by mistie406. If anyone knows someone with this handle, please ask them to contact me at: xenajules2@writeme.com. Thank you. |
"HOW THINGS GET DONE" BY JULES OPERATION: FARSCAPE HUMOR In an effort to bring you, my readers, the best and brightest in Farscape Humor, I have scoured the tub....err, FS bulletin board for original posts. After latching onto (Oops, I meant 'finding') a suitable post, I shamelessly beg the author for permission to archive THEIR FABULOUS WORK on my humble site. FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT... here is a sample of one of those posts, and the begging that brought it to you............ A YIDDISHE FARSCAPE by soldierboy originally posted 07/15/2001 following the airing of the episode "MELTDOWN" during which a character "inadvertently" said "knish"! Oy gevault! We are heading for the sun! I thought we were going to Miami? We're going to the sun I got such a deal on the tickets! Ech-another drech vacation to a hot resort, and not even a pool! Stop kvetching. I'm not kvetching, but I'm not kwelling either. What a shmekel - a trip to a sun! Wait till I tell the kids - putz! Aeryn-bubi, I'm a big macher on this ship, we go where I say. Feh - I'm going to the machitainins for a bris, I'll bring you some grieveness from the moyle. (for my mother-in-law Shirley - pardon the phonetic spelling. You're the best dahlink! :0:)) WHAT soldierboy SAID WHEN I ASKED IF I COULD POST THIS HERE: Date: 07/16/2001 From: soldierboy I should be so lucky to have my writings posted... of course you have my permission dear, didn't I raise you to share? And why don't you call me more often?? Oiy - the show Satuday night was soo hot I schwitzed all night just thinking about that shanna punam - what a goyisha hunk that Ben is. And Claudia - now why can't my Franky find a nice girl like that? A little gun, a little chutzpa and who knows, maybe some grand-children someday??? Well, what can I do? I raised them right - now ...puh,puh,puh - I should only hope Franky meets someone 1/2 as nice as that Claudia. ( Do you think she is...?) |
Morning coffee Date: 07/31/2001 by Vaya This is dedicated to mine and Rogutamlin's favorite morning ritual, getting the coffee.... Disclaimers: I don't own Farscape, its merchandise, nor do I have to pay their bills. Spoilers: not really ********************************************************************************************************* Wednesday, 9am, Dunkin Donuts parking lot. A serious looking, black SUV, pulled up. A bunch of serious-looking guys dressed in black and red full battle gear and guns piled out. They deployed in a very military fashion to the door, hiding behind other cars, various shrubbery, trash cans, or frightened onlookers. When they were in position, they sent the all-clear back to the SUV. Inside, various frightened onlookers harried the group of cops, but they were adament that, until there was actual breaking of the law, they would not put down their donuts. Meanwhile, three very important, but still serious looking people emerged from the SUV. The first was a small man, in red and black leather, who had "toady" written all over him. He stood at rigid attention as a blue-eyed, blue-haired, dominatrix-looking woman climbed out. Finally there emerged a very pale-skinned, lizard like man in another S&M like outfit. They entered the Dunkin Donuts and got in line. Everyone who had been in front of them, got out of the way. "Oh, isn't that nice?" Lizard man said in a truly smooth evil voice. They approached the register and the terrified cashier. "Good morning," he said cheerily, "I am Scorpius." The cashier stuttered, "a-a g-g-good morning sir, um How may I help you?" Scorpius turned to his toady, "We'd like 3 dozen donuts, plus twelve large coffees, black, seven large coffees with cream and sugar, five large coffees with just sugar, six mediums with cream and sugar, and one large with cream, no sugar-" Scorpius looked meaningfully at the cashier, "No sugar in that one." "Y-yes, um what kind of donuts would you like." Scorpius thought about it, "Just mix them, but um," he lowered his head briefly, then raised his eyes, "make sure that you put a powdered one in there." "Yes sir," she squeaked, and then she and everyone else dashed into action. "Oh dear," Scorpius said, "I hope no one minds us taking up all the staff." He looked at everyone else, who all shook their heads. He grinned, "Excellent." About half an hour later, they all piled back into their SUV. Scorpius sipped his coffee and then grimaced, "she put sugar in here," he growled. "Maybe that's the wrong one," the nurse said. Braca turned back to the peacekeepers, "Anyone have the cream no sugar?" They all shook their heads. Braca took Scorpius' coffee, "I'll go get the right one," and then went back in. A few minutes and several screams later, he came out and went to the SUV with the correct coffee. "The cashier was very apologetic," he said. The Dunkin Donuts exploded, "but I told her it was alright." "Good," Scorpius said, taking the cup, "now back to the base." He munched on his powdered donut, and looked down with distaste as he realized the front of his serious black leather outfit was covered with powdered sugar. "Does anyone have a napkin?" ********************************************************************************************************* |
John Dreams of TV by jcrichton82 The lights were off in John's chamber when Aeryn went by to see him. She quietly palmed open the door and moved towards his bed. "He looks so peaceful," Aeryn thought. "I wonder what he's dreaming about." John looked around and realized he was standing in a television studio. He looked up into the audience and saw they were all Peacekeepers, dressed in their battle gear. None of them seemed to notice him - at least they made no move towards him if they did. John saw that there were cameras set up all around, and that the tv set was made to resemble resemble a kitchen. Suddenly John heard a voice over the loudspeaker: "Hello and welcome to another edition of Aeryn Sun Living. Officer Sun will be welcoming back the Ancient, Jack, for another segment on "the miracles of Ancient technology: gadgets that can save you microts," as well as a special edition piece on Ka D'Argo - "the man, the myth, the makeover." With special musical guests Harvey and the Scorpitones John raises his eyebrows in amazement "Pilot? Aeryn Sun Living?" he mouthed silently. Pilot continued his announcing speech: "And now - here she is, Officer Aeryn Sun." Aeryn walked onto the set, all smiles and waving to the audience. John noticed she was wearing a conservative black pantsuit instead of her typical PK leather. His eyes couldn't have gotten any bigger if they rolled out of their sockets. Apparently Aeryn didn't see John either, because she walked right by him, without a word. "Hello eveyone," Aeryn said. "Before I bring out my first guest, I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of the letters that you, the fans, have sent in." Aeryn produced a stack of mail from underneath the countertop. She selected the first one from the stack and read it aloud. "Sargeant PeaceKeeper Ammo Troop writes: Dear Aeryn, what's the best way to ensure the members of my unit handle their pulse weapons in a safe and proper fashion?" Aeryn looked up from the letter. "Well, Sargeant, the best way is to make sure that your unit has the best accessories for their weapons. This is especially important when selecting a belt and holster for the standard pulse pistol - similar to this one that I always carry," Aeryn said, pulling her pulse pistol. "It's also important to remember that these accessories are availible in any color - as long as that color is black. If you're like me, you'll want to accessorize your weapon also. This can be done by adding a special site scope, a personalized grip, and this very nice bow that draws attention to the sensitive side of every peacekeeper." Aeryn holstered her pistol and put away the stack of letters. "Now, I'd like to bring out my first guest of the evening. You've seen him on the show before, and he's come back to share more of his inventions with us. Please welcome Jack, the Ancient," Aeryn said. John stood watching as Jack walked onto the set, a package under his arm. He shook hands with Aeryn, and took a seat beside her behind the counter. "Jack," Aeryn began, "thanks for coming back on the show." "Don't mention it Aeryn, I'm happy to be here," Jack replied. Aeryn reproduced the stack of letters from under the counter. She pulled one off the top letter and read it aloud. "JC82 writes: Dear Aeryn, I was recently melted into a puddle of ectoplasmic goo when my prowler made a test flight through a wormhole. Is there anything you can do to help me?" Aeryn looked up from the letter, a tear in her eye. "When I got this letter, I immediately thought about what I would do if I were in this situation. I decided that I would find a famous inventor to build a product that could revert me to my normal Sebacean self. Fortunately, we have one such inventor with us today. Jack, do you have something we can use?" "It just so happens that I do Aeryn," Jack said. "This device will enable anyone who has been melted into ectoplasmic goo to regain their original form." Jack put the package on the counter and opened it. "We have another special guest here today - let's bring him out - JC82," Aeryn said. John stood there, gawking, as AS_99 came out from behind a curtain carrying a large bucket. She walked up to Aeryn and Jack, and sat the bucket on the floor. "Jack," Aeryn said "how about a demonstration of this new marvel of yours?" "Certainly," Jack answered. He flipped a switch on his contraption, and aimed it at the bucket. A beam of light pulsed out of the machine, enveloping the bucket. In almost no time at all, the bucket began to break, giving way to the form of a male Sebacean. Aeryn's face lit up as the Sebacean took shape. "That's amazing Jack," she exclaimed. "How much would we have to pay to get a wonderful device like that one?" John realized he was holding a TV remote at that instant. He flicked one of the buttons and the scene around him changed to a politcal debate. He looked down at himself, now wearing a business suit and standing in a group of reporters. "A caring, compassionate, and kind leader," Pilot said over a speaker. "Vote Rygel the Sixteenth for United States Senate." "Sh'yeah right," John exclaimed as he flicked the remote again. The image of Rygel waving gloriously faded to what appeared to be an operating room. He saw that he was now wearing OR scrubs and outfitted for a major surgery. Zhaan burst through the door, a team of medical staff flanking her. She walked through John, as if he was a hologram. "How much raslak has the patient imbibed," Zhaan asked as she looked up at one of her technicians "Several bottles, doctor," the tech replied. "That should provide ample anesthetic. Goddess be with us," Zhaan said quietly, raising her scalpel, and starting an incision into the patient. A purplish liquid covered Zhaan's gloves when she drew off. "Suction," she called. John felt himself getting queasy. He couldn't even watch George Clooney do this, let alone be in the same room. He clicked his remote again. John found himself in another studio this time. This one was barren with the exception of a few painting canvases, some art supplies, the camera crew and the artist. The artist had half a brown curly afro atop its head, and a brown mask adorning the other half. He turned towards the camera, holding a brush and a paint pallette. "Stark," John, back in his normal black garb, asked out loud. "Hello John," Stark replied. "Now everyone, you want to make sure you only have a little bit of paint on the tip of your brush when you begin this next step." John saw that a partially completed canvas in front of Stark. He stood for a moment, admiring the waterfall, mountains, and trees that Stark had crafted into the canvas. "Just a little dab of color," Stark said. "Put a happy little tree right here. And let's give him a little bush friend here. And a happy stream over here, just minding its own happy little way." "Umm...Stark," John began. "Yes John," Stark looked over at him. "What is all this," John asked. "It's really quite simple John...Another happy little tree....there's some paint over there if you want some....my paint, your paint, my paint, your paint......Yes, right anyway John, you're dreaming you see," Stark said. "I see," John answered, mouthing a silent "Okay." "But keep the happy trees far enough apart so that they don't fight - that wouldn't be very nice - my side, your side, my side, your side. Trees should always play nice together," Stark continued. "And this dream of mine," John began. Stark paid John no mind as he continued his tirade. "This.....This just isn't," Stark started yelling at the canvas. "Noooooo," Stark unleashed his anger as he thrust his fist through the canvas. He pulled back, his arm lodged in the painting. Stark flung his arm out, causing the canvas to fly across the room, as he launched himself at the easel, demolishing it. "Yeah, um, great Stark, thanks," John said as clicked his remote again. John found himself on the set of SNL, right before the musical interlude. "You've seen them on MTV, MTV2, VH1, and many daytime shows, including Aeryn Sun Living, please welcome Harvey and the Scorpitones," Pilot said. Harvey stood on the stage holding a microphone. "We're going to perform a version of the popular classic, Bohemian Rhapsody, but I would like to introduce the band first," Harvey said. "We've got, my main man Lt. Braca on bass. Former Peacekepper Captain, Bialar Crais on the drums. Last, but not least, the man I owe my existence to, the one, the only, my alter ego, Scorpius on the guitar." "NO," was all John managed before he hit the remote. John was standing waist deep in a muddy swamp wearing green and brown camo. He heard Pilot again, "Welcome to another exciting episode of The Dragon Hunter." Dragonmakr was wading through the water, a guidebook in one hand and a machete in the other. "We're looking for the black swamp dragon today - very elusive - very dangerous. It primarily uses its acidic breath to neutralize anything foolish enough to try and threaten it, not to mention capture any prey. Unfortunately, this acid also dissolves most of the meal, causing the dragon to go without food most of the time. This is the main reason that they are such a rare find." John sighed to himself and clicked again, finding himself back on the set of Aeryn Sun Living. "We went on location for this next segment. As you'll see, my co-hosts, Chiana and Jool, had a wonderful time doing this particular event," Aeryn said. "Let's watch." The scene around John changed to that of a beauty salon. He saw D'Argo seated in a revolving chair, a smock around his neck. Chiana and Jool were busy buzzing around him, adding rouge, eye-shadow, lutra oil, and curlers as needed in key areas. "I just needed to unburden myself on you, ladies. This is very refreshing you know, a most wonderful Luxan ritual of battle," D'Argo said, gazing at himself in the mirror. "Because I'm good enough, smart enough....." The color drained from John's face. "Hell no," he exclaimed, as he jabbed furiously at the remote. Farscape One was beached in the surf as John exited the module. He jumped out, and was surrounded by several women clad only in red bathing suits, carrying floatation equipment. John looked at his remote skeptically, at the women, and then back at the remote. John threw the remote into the ocean, skipping it along the water. "Thank you," John said, looking skyward. "John," one of the women began. "John, John," Aeryn said. "John wake up, Pilot needs us in command." |
Morning coffee Date: 07/31/2001 by Vaya This is dedicated to mine and Rogutamlin's favorite morning ritual, getting the coffee.... Disclaimers: I don't own Farscape, its merchandise, nor do I have to pay their bills. Spoilers: not really ********************************************************************************************************* Wednesday, 9am, Dunkin Donuts parking lot. A serious looking, black SUV, pulled up. A bunch of serious-looking guys dressed in black and red full battle gear and guns piled out. They deployed in a very military fashion to the door, hiding behind other cars, various shrubbery, trash cans, or frightened onlookers. When they were in position, they sent the all-clear back to the SUV. Inside, various frightened onlookers harried the group of cops, but they were adament that, until there was actual breaking of the law, they would not put down their donuts. Meanwhile, three very important, but still serious looking people emerged from the SUV. The first was a small man, in red and black leather, who had "toady" written all over him. He stood at rigid attention as a blue-eyed, blue-haired, dominatrix-looking woman climbed out. Finally there emerged a very pale-skinned, lizard like man in another S&M like outfit. They entered the Dunkin Donuts and got in line. Everyone who had been in front of them, got out of the way. "Oh, isn't that nice?" Lizard man said in a truly smooth evil voice. They approached the register and the terrified cashier. "Good morning," he said cheerily, "I am Scorpius." The cashier stuttered, "a-a g-g-good morning sir, um How may I help you?" Scorpius turned to his toady, "We'd like 3 dozen donuts, plus twelve large coffees, black, seven large coffees with cream and sugar, five large coffees with just sugar, six mediums with cream and sugar, and one large with cream, no sugar-" Scorpius looked meaningfully at the cashier, "No sugar in that one." "Y-yes, um what kind of donuts would you like." Scorpius thought about it, "Just mix them, but um," he lowered his head briefly, then raised his eyes, "make sure that you put a powdered one in there." "Yes sir," she squeaked, and then she and everyone else dashed into action. "Oh dear," Scorpius said, "I hope no one minds us taking up all the staff." He looked at everyone else, who all shook their heads. He grinned, "Excellent." About half an hour later, they all piled back into their SUV. Scorpius sipped his coffee and then grimaced, "she put sugar in here," he growled. "Maybe that's the wrong one," the nurse said. Braca turned back to the peacekeepers, "Anyone have the cream no sugar?" They all shook their heads. Braca took Scorpius' coffee, "I'll go get the right one," and then went back in. A few minutes and several screams later, he came out and went to the SUV with the correct coffee. "The cashier was very apologetic," he said. The Dunkin Donuts exploded, "but I told her it was alright." "Good," Scorpius said, taking the cup, "now back to the base." He munched on his powdered donut, and looked down with distaste as he realized the front of his serious black leather outfit was covered with powdered sugar. "Does anyone have a napkin?" ********************************************************************************************************* |
"HOW THINGS GET DONE" BY JULES OPERATION: FARSCAPE HUMOR In an effort to bring you, my readers, the best and brightest in Farscape Humor, I have scoured the tub....err, FS bulletin board for original posts. After latching onto (Oops, I meant 'finding') a suitable post, I shamelessly beg the author for permission to archive THEIR FABULOUS WORK on my humble site. FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT... here is a sample of one of those posts, and the begging that brought it to you............ A YIDDISHE FARSCAPE by soldierboy originally posted 07/15/2001 following the airing of the episode "MELTDOWN" during which a character "inadvertently" said "knish"! Oy gevault! We are heading for the sun! I thought we were going to Miami? We're going to the sun I got such a deal on the tickets! Ech-another drech vacation to a hot resort, and not even a pool! Stop kvetching. I'm not kvetching, but I'm not kwelling either. What a shmekel - a trip to a sun! Wait till I tell the kids - putz! Aeryn-bubi, I'm a big macher on this ship, we go where I say. Feh - I'm going to the machitainins for a bris, I'll bring you some grieveness from the moyle. (for my mother-in-law Shirley - pardon the phonetic spelling. You're the best dahlink! :0:)) WHAT soldierboy SAID WHEN I ASKED IF I COULD POST THIS HERE: Date: 07/16/2001 From: soldierboy I should be so lucky to have my writings posted... of course you have my permission dear, didn't I raise you to share? And why don't you call me more often?? Oiy - the show Satuday night was soo hot I schwitzed all night just thinking about that shanna punam - what a goyisha hunk that Ben is. And Claudia - now why can't my Franky find a nice girl like that? A little gun, a little chutzpa and who knows, maybe some grand-children someday??? Well, what can I do? I raised them right - now ...puh,puh,puh - I should only hope Franky meets someone 1/2 as nice as that Claudia. ( Do you think she is...?) |
AERYN'S MONTE PYTHON FUNERAL Date: 01/29/2001 by mistie406 This is a repost, by request. Something to cheer up you Aeryn mourners. Zhaan: The goddess graciously receives to her bosom all those that pass from this existence, regardless of faith or belief. Aeryn: *opening her eyes* I'm not dead! Zhaan: She holds, however, a special place for those who travel this life as a journey. Aeryn: I'm getting better! Zhaan: Aeryn Sun will surely harvest favor. Her life was a series of strides toward enlightenment. Casting off the chains of prejudice and hatred, reaching beyond violence and bigotry, she sought a balance of lasting inner peace. In her name -- Aeryn: I don't want to go in the pod. Zhaan: May the goddess recieve you with charity. May the goddess sanctify your spirit. Aeryn: I think I'll go for a walk! May the goddess purify your soul. May the goddess always recite your name on the whispers of the wind. Aeryn: I feel happy! I feel happy! *D'Argo clocks Aeryn hard with the butt of his Qualtha blade* This was taken from a SciFi.com BBoard post by mistie406. If anyone knows someone with this handle, please ask them to contact me at: xenajules2@writeme.com. Thank you. |
INDEX 1. "A YIDDISHE FARSCAPE" by soldierboy 2. "AERYN'S MONTE PYTHON FUNERAL" by mistie406 3. "MORNING COFFEE" by Vaya 4. "John Dreams of TV" by jcrichton82 |
